Tim Quote #1100
Tim: For this job, Al and I suggest Binford's Acoustical Texture Spray.
Al: That's right. It comes in these ready-to-mix bags.
Tim: All you do is add water. Or, for a creamier texture, go with the buttermilk.
Al: Now, obviously you want to follow the instructions precisely, because too much water, and your mixture will not adhere to your ceiling. Tim, I've already mixed that.
Tim: Yeah... Just needs a bit more water, Al.
Al: I used a measuring cup.
Tim: We're not doing laundry, fella. I use a measuring system that never fails me - my eye.
Al: My eye!
Tim: Once you've mixed the compound, it's ready to load in the hopper. Give me a hand, Dennis. Perfecto. All right. When you get going, what you do is use short even strokes, keeping the gun about 2 feet from your ceiling. All right. [sprays] And you doubted me.
Al: I stand corrected. I would be proud to have a ceiling like this in my living room. [paint drops on Al's face]
Tim: Who let those pigeons in here?
Quote from Al
Tim: Now, to show some of the advantage of soundproofing, the crew and I got here early and constructed a special room. Heidi, my room, please. Now, this room will not only protect you from the elements, keep you warm, but it's also totally soundproof.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Watch this, Al. Can't hear a word. It's so good. Watch. Talking like this. You walk in. Hi, everybody. It's just great to be here. My name's Tim "The Tool..." [silence] ...Aah! [audience applaud]
Al: That is truly amazing. We did not hear a sound.
Tim: No. That's how it was designed. You gotta try it. Let yourself go. It's great. Yeah.
Al: [in the booth] Tim, can you hear me? [Tim mouths] You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show. And another thing. That's a stupid haircut you have. And another thing... [sings] I am a very model of a modern major general I've information vegetable, animal and mineral I know the kings of England I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical
Tim: Can you hear me?
Al: I can hear you. [audience laughing]
Tim: Think about that. Major General Borland!
Quote from Tim
Tim: If you're like me, you've spent time on the floor after an accident... waiting for the paramedics to arrive. It's times like these a lot of thoughts roll through your head. "I wonder if the bleeding will stop." "I had no idea electricity could lift me off the ground that high." Or, "From this angle, that smooth ceiling could use a little texture." And how would we do that, Al?
Al: Well, Tim, with Binford's 6100 acoustic spraying system.
Tim: That's right. With the 6100 system, even the most inexperienced, unskilled homeowner can do this simple job.
Al: And who better to demonstrate than you, Tim?
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.