Tim: There's one more thing.
Jill: What?
Tim: It's not the same Scott.
Jill: You're in denial!
Tim: I am not.
Jill: Are, too!
Tim: Are not!
Jill: Are, too!
Tim: Are not!
Jill: Are, too!
Mark: For more information on marital stress, please consult a licensed counselor.

Scott: Well, I'm interviewing that wrestler, The Exterminator. I'd like to know if he really has a metal plate in his head.
Tim: Just take a magnet with you.

Jill: I told you it was the same Scott!
Tim: What are you hitting me for? Scott's the one cheating on his wife.
Scott: What'd you say?
Tim: We're just talking about the pin. What, do you buy those things by the gross?
Jill: Tim?
Tim: When you want to go back to work, do you mean you're going back to work on Wendy?
Jill: Will you shut up?
Scott: What are you talking about?
Jill: That was confidential information.
Tim: What'd you tell me in the first place for?
Jill: I was upset for Heidi. I needed somebody to talk to about it. I didn't know that you would blurt it all out.
Tim: Once again, you underestimate me.

Scott: Heidi, it was the biggest mistake of my life. And I'm really, really sorry.
Heidi: I thought we had an open and honest relationship. And now I'm finding out this whole thing has been just a big lie.
Scott: It's not a lie.
Jill: Guys, I think we should leave. Here's some money for the drinks.
Scott: I made a mistake.
Tim: Honey, that's way too much. We just had two drinks.
Scott: I love you so much!
Tim: Hold on a minute.
Heidi: I don't believe you!
Tim: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Do you have change for a $20?

Brad: Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Mark: Doing a little sequence on disgusting family habits.
Brad: Oh, really? Why don't you come upstairs? I'll show you what I can do with a Q-tip.

Tim: Would you grab that please, Brad? If it's Scott, tell him I don't want to talk to him.
Brad: You want me to tell him you're washing your hair again?
Tim: Just tell him I'm working on my car with somebody else.
Brad: [answers phone] Hello? Hey, Scott. How're you doing? No, no. He's actually not here right now. Oh, really? You have tickets to the Lions game. Fifty-yard line? No, no. I'm afraid my dad's not interested. No, but you know I am, right? All right, cool. All right, I'll see you Sunday then. All righty. Bye. [hangs up] Well, you sure showed him, huh?

Tim: What's that?
Jill: Oh, it's just some apple cider that Wilson gave me. He's acting kind of peculiar. You have any idea why?
Tim: Mmm-hmm. Try some of that cider.

Jill: I'm so glad that you came. We wanted to come and find you. We both feel just terrible about what happened yesterday.
Heidi: Yeah, well, it was pretty embarrassing to find out about Scott's affair in front of my friend and my boss.
Tim: And the waiter.
Heidi: The truth is, in all that awkwardness, I'm really glad it came out.
Jill: You are?
Heidi: Thanks to you guys, Scott and I ended up having a huge fight.
Tim: Glad we could help.

Jill: You do, you know?
Tim: No, I don't.
Jill: Do.
Tim: No, I don't.
Jill: Do.
Tim: Don't.
Jill: Do.