Martin: Look, my point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, "The Avengers." Used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella... Steve.
Frasier: Steed!
Niles: Dad!
Frasier: You know, there were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty. When anyone tried to give him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with the umbrella.
Martin: Well, great. That's fine. Admire him if you want. But did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? I mean, you were just begging to get beat up.
Frasier: Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
Niles: I remember getting a chin strap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
Martin: And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet."

[on the radio:]
Carlos: I think we're going to have to throw a bucket of water on those two.
Chicken: Roz and Frasier stopped around for a quick hello, next thing you know, they're getting it on in the booth.
Frasier: Roz.
Roz: Frasier!
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: Frasier!
Frasier: Do we have time to squeeze in one more?
Roz: Plenty of time, Frasier. Two more minutes.
Carlos: You know, for a man carrying around a good fifty extra pounds of ass, Frasier Crane has got unbelievable stamina. Frasier, where do you get your energy?
Frasier: Lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla.
Carlos: Oh, my God, they're changing positions. I've never seen that one before.
Frasier: Love does enter through the nose.

Frasier: I'm going down there.
Martin: Frasier.
Frasier: Dad, don't try to talk me out of this. I'm going to teach those two a lesson, they'll not soon forget. Where's my umbrella?
Martin: Oh, no, not that again. Not the umbrella, I'm begging you!
Frasier: It's raining!

Niles: I see your "Bartlett's" is out. You're not pulling any punches.
Frasier: Hardly. I go in swinging with La Rochéfoucauld: "If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others."
Niles: Ouch!
Frasier: Just as I've got them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker: "Wit has truth in it, wise-cracking is merely calisthenics with words."
Niles: Pow!
Frasier: Just as they're bloody and against the ropes, I go in for the kill - Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken!
Niles: It's not a fight, it's an execution!

Frasier: Roz, I don't care. I've just figured out something. You know, maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, but the only way they win is if they change who you are, and I'll tell you something, let them do their worst. They will not knock the bowler off of this head!
Roz: What does that mean?!

Roz: Congratulations, you were bit of the day.
Frasier: Oh, I thought the entire thing was rude and childish.
Roz: Well, you're just mad because you fell for it. Come on, Frasier, "Hall of Thinkers"?
Frasier: Well. It's not such a bad idea. In a society where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians, I think maybe we should... [then] Well, it was early.

Roz: Hey, that's them over there with Kenny. Wow. The Chicken's a lot cuter than he is on his billboard. Of course, he's not squatting in a feather suit trying to hatch Carlos's head.

Roz: Is it over? I couldn't look.
Frasier: For God's sake, Roz, have a little faith in me. After all, I do reason with people for a living. It's all settled. You know, they're good kids, really, quite sensible actually.
Roz: Yeah, if you go for over-sex, beer-belching, frat boy types. Which I do. Was the Chicken wearing a wedding ring?

Niles: Hello.
Chicken: [v.o] Is Dr. Crane there?
Niles: No, actually he's taking a bath.
Chicken: Who's this?
Niles: This is his brother, Niles.
Chicken: Okay. Okay, see, well this is the building superintendent. I'm in the bathroom just below his and I think the pipes are getting corroded. Is your brother putting anything unusual in his bath?
Niles: I'm not exactly sure what he puts in his bath. Better let me ask him.
[As Niles leaves with the phone:]
Martin: I smell a bit.
Daphne: Put the radio on.

Chicken: Yeah, that's great. I definitely heard some bleed-through. You know, I could isolate the tile if you could just walk around a little bit while you sang. Or maybe you know, if you could stomp around that would be great.
Frasier: Stomp around?
Chicken: Yeah, well look, if it's too much trouble I could send my assistant, Jimmy, up to stomp around.
Frasier: Oh, Lord. No, no, please. That's just fine. You just leave Jimmy where he is. I certainly don't need an audience while I'm singing in the bathtub.
Chicken: Yeah, well, I appreciate this. We'll get it all cleared up in a jiffy. Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Just give me a second and I'll tell you when I'm ready. All right, I'm ready. Here goes.
[singing] I'm in the mood for love, [stomps his foot three times]
Simply because you're near me, [starts jumping around]
Funny but... [stomps twice]