Niles: Children, I have a confession to make. I'm not a Citizen-Officer. I'm a psychiatric doctor specializing in marriage and family counseling. [The kids start to boo] I know, I know. The point is... [getting louder] The point is that my father is an actual officer, and he'd be here today, except he got a nasty cold, probably from some careless youngsters at his last assembly. Which brings up a different, yet no less important kind of safety, hygiene!
Martin: Oh, geez.
Niles: I would like to introduce you to the first defense in the war against germs, Officer Pocket Square! [The kids laugh] Okay, okay. Maybe it's not cool to carry a handkerchief around anymore.
Kid: It's not!
Niles: Is influenza cool? Is scarlet fever cool? Do you have any idea how many germs there are on just one finger? Yes, that finger, for example! It's millions! Or take simple dust. Do you know what dust is? It's the excretion of mites! Little bugs that are eating your skin right now!

Niles: Four rodent hairs, and the head capsule of an adult grain beetle. [The kids yell out in disgust] Okay, I heard chocolate, I'll take chocolate. Per 100 grams, the government allows an average of approximately 60 insect fragments and the odd rodent hair. [The kids cry out again] But let's say you want to play it safe. Maybe drink a can of fruit juice. That's healthy... or is it? Well, sure, if your idea of healthy is approximately five fly eggs and a maggot! This is your government, people!

Martin: The principal asked us to come back and have an assembly for all the fourth graders.
Niles: Dad, good luck. It's well known that of the cruelest grades, ninth is third, seventh is second, and fourth is first.