Marie: Where's your iron?
Debra: Oh, no, no, Marie. You don't have to iron our clothes.
Marie: Well, you know, you never know when relatives are gonna come barging in.
Debra: Ah, that's true.

Marie: Maybe there's a big occasion and the house is filled with relatives.
Ray: Like what occasion, Ma?
Marie: I don't know. Birth, graduation, Christmas, death.
Ray: All my favorites.
Marie: I'm serious. God forbid if someone should die. If you were to die, Debra, everyone would be here. And imagine them up in that messy closet trying to pick out something for you to wear.
Ray: Ma.
Marie: And then afterwards, they'll want to take clothes. You drawers should be very neat, so they can look through it and see what they like.
Ray: So how will she die?
Marie: Oh. No, the thing is, you want to be remembered as a beautiful, clean person.

Frank: I went to the supermarket. Yeah, I want you to taste this great new thing they have now. It's called salsa.
Ray: I've had salsa, Dad.
Frank: No kidding?
Ray: Yeah, yeah.
Frank: I bet you never put it on a chip.
Ray: Yeah, even on a chip. I know. It's good.
Frank: Good? It's genius. And the woman in the supermarket was giving it away. No charge.
Ray: That's called a sample, Dad.
Frank: I must have had 50 of them. No, this woman, she was great. She had on a big sombrero, she was sitting on a plastic burro. Hey, I'll take you to see her.

Ray: Listen, Dad. About Mom, you can't-
Frank: Forget Mom. Look at me. This is the real me. I can do what I want, when I want and how I want it. I am a free man! Can you imagine what that feels like?
Ray: It's better if I don't.
Frank: Look, like tonight, no more women's entertainment. No Emma. No Sense and Sensibility. No Howard's End. I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Except the one where he gets pregnant.
Ray: What can I say? Look at you. Yeah, you're having a good time. All right. Good for you, Dad.
Frank: You want to join me later?
Ray: Oh, I might have to.
Frank: It's the perfect evening. Terminator II and salsa. [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] You'll be back.

Frank: That was not tuna salad. It had no celery in it.
Marie: So once I forgot the celery. So what?
Frank: So what? So it's not tuna salad. It had no bite. It had no crunch.
Marie: Oh, poor you.
Frank: Yeah, poor me. Raymond, what is it that makes tuna salad, tuna salad? [Ray is silent] Come on.
Ray: It's the celery.
Frank: Yeah, it's the celery that makes tuna salad, tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop.
Marie: I put in mayo, I put in dill, I put in pepper. I mashed it, I mixed it, I spread it. And you have the nerve to say slop to me.
Frank: Yes. Slop to you. Slop to you!
Ray: [to Debra] He was on the debate team.

Ray: I was thinking, my mother should probably spend a little more time here.
Debra: What happened? Didn't you talk to him?
Ray: I tried. I think I pushed a little too hard. 'Cause I let him have it and then he threw me out.
Debra: You're lying.
Ray: All right, how do you always know? How do you know? What, does my nose get longer?
Debra: I don't think that's possible.

Ray: Listen, we gotta talk.
Frank: All right, sit down. First, I want you to try something. I was someplace today I haven't been in 30 years. Guess where I went?
Ray: Uh... The barber.

Debra: What are you doing here without Frank? Where's Frank?
Ray: Right now, he's probably taping the toilet handle down, so he never has to flush.

Ray: What, all three kids asleep? How'd you do that?
Marie: What is it, hard? I cuddled them I read a story, I sang. You forget I'm a mother?
Ray: How could I? Listen, Ma, about Dad.
Marie: No, I'm not talking to him until he apologizes.
Ray: Yeah, but don't you think you should at least... Hey, what's the steak for?
Marie: My son.
Ray: You left the fat on? Debra always cuts the fat off.
Marie: On steak pizzaiola? What, do I look insane?
Ray: Steak pizzaiola, the real steak pizzaiola with the cheese on the top?
Marie: Of course. A thick layer. Why? Debra doesn't use cheese?
Ray: No, no. She cooks for health.
Marie: What could be healthier for you than the food you love?
Ray: Thank you, Doctor.

Marie: Oh, your father has finally done it.
Ray: What's that, buckle his pants?
Marie: I wish. That man has been sitting in front of the TV every day for 45 years. "Get me this. Get me that. You're clipping them too short." That ingrate can't stop hounding me for five minutes. [sees carpet stain] Ooh, that's interesting.
Debra: Yeah. We've seen the stain.
Marie: You know, Debra, for something like a spill, I find it best to wipe it the day it happens.