Eleanor: Hey, robot slave lady? Busty Alexa? Oh, Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: Gah, still not used to it. Hey, what if I, an already amazing person who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn even more about how to be a good person? Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach or an Instagram fitness model or something?

Michael: [records] Okay, attempt number 11. Let's focus on the positives. Eleanor always hates her house. Tahani always hates Eleanor. Jason hates being quiet. Chidi immediately gets a stomachache. So there's a lot to work with here.

[montage:]
Eleanor: Hang on.
Eleanor: Wait a minute.
Eleanor: You know what?
Eleanor: Holy smokes.
Eleanor: This is the Bad Place.
Eleanor: This is the Bad Place!
Eleanor: This is the Bad Place.
Eleanor: This is the Bad Place.
Chidi: The pig's getting angry.
Eleanor: This is the Bad Place!
Chidi: Bees, bees, bees, bees.
Eleanor: Oh! Oh, this is the Bad Place.
All: Shh!

Chidi: Who else is being tortured? Are we the only two?
Eleanor: I got to assume Jason is as well... Jianyu. You know him as Jianyu, but his real name is Jason, and he's a dirtbag from Florida.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Also, Tahani is a candidate as far as I'm concerned. Yesterday, she told me that she was Taylor Swift's best friend but Taylor Swift wasn't her best friend. She sucks.
Chidi: No offense, but I can't believe you and I ended up in the same place.
Eleanor: Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either, bud. I always assumed the afterlife was full of cool people, not talking sweater vests.

Sebastian: My love, my sweet dewdrop I have written you a three-hour Spoken word jazz opera...
Eleanor: Cool.
Sebastian: [sings] Eleanor, less and more Who's it for? For you, my dewdrop cream of the crop Top to the bop to the bop to the top [scats]
Eleanor: Okay, no, no.
Sebastian: What?
Eleanor: No version of heaven for anyone would ever include three hours of this. We're in the Bad Place, aren't we?
Michael: Damn it. That was a real trip for biscuits, and now we're all wet, Daddy-O.
Vicky: I never even got to play my stupid triangle.

Tahani: Sorry, I must ask, why are you wearing a sash that says "best person" on it?
Eleanor: Apparently, I am the number one points-getter in the entire neighborhood.
Tahani: Is that so? I always have to have my sashes custom-made due to my height and bosom size. Also, apparently, sashes are out this season. The diagonal line really draws one's eye to the chin bloat.
Eleanor: Go fork yourself, you mean giraffe.

Janet: Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye. Chidi, this is Eleanor.
Eleanor: Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.
Chidi: Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy focusing on deontology.
Eleanor: Hang on one second, Cheebee. [to Janet] This guy's too big of a nerd. Who else you got?

Eleanor: Hang on one second, Cheeto. So it's gonna be a hard pass on Superdork Jones over there. Anybody else you got to teach me?

Michael: [recording] Attempt 108. I've analyzed some recent data. Eleanor always seems to realize that they're in the Bad Place just at the moment that...
Eleanor: [enters] Excuse me. Sorry, the door was open, so I just came in. Did you just say I'm in the Bad Place?
Michael: [snaps fingers] Attempt 109. I've closed and locked the door. Uh, yep, and we're ready to go.

Michael: [montage] This is your soul mate Greg.
Michael: This is your soul mate Glenn.
Michael: This is your soul mate Tahani.
Michael: This is your soul mate Lerf.
Michael: This is your soul mate, a golden retriever.