Schmidt: [on the phone] Coach, I need you. Jess and Cece are in a thing, and it is terrifying.
Coach: [lying on his bed] I'm pretty busy, but, all right, hold on, let me put down the stuff I've been working on.
Schmidt: Coach, I am at the baby shower.
Coach: [sits up] You're at the... What? Are you dumb? You're dumb. You're very dumb. Get out of there.
Schmidt: I panicked. I didn't know what else to do. I thought I could fix this. I gave Cece the purse. Obviously, it was a mistake. Oh, God, look at them. They're like silent, angry statues right now. It's terrifying and als... Maybe a little erotic. Okay, fine, it's very erotic. You know what? Coach, I'm telling you-- I'm finding out that fear plays a big part in my sexuality.
Coach: Schmidt, what happens when two passive-aggressive people start confronting each other?
Schmidt: I don't know. What happens?
Coach: Anything! Anything can happen! That's what I'm telling you! Are you ready for anything to happen?
Schmidt: Obviously not. That's why I'm calling you.