Jess: I can't believe I never noticed this before, but, Schmidt, you are legitimately crazy.
Schmidt: I think we're all a little bit crazy, don't you think, Jess?
Jess: No, I mean, you're like aging-ballerina, child-chess-prodigy, professional-magician crazy.
Schmidt: It's my mom's fault ... you know, I come from a Jewish family, but she used to tell me the reason Santa didn't come to our house was because my room was dirty. The only thing I ever controlled was what I ate. That's why I got fat.
Jess: Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat Concord grape jelly from the jar using a candy bar as a fork.
Schmidt: It's because you didn't have any structure. You know what I mean? That's what happens when you don't have any rules.
Jess: None of these people have rules. Especially that guy. He's wearing ladies' bikini bottoms.
Schmidt: Jess, I'm not like these people, okay? I don't have dreadlocks. I don't own a snake. And I don't understand how these people think that they're relaxed, because they're not ... they just have nothing to do. That's not me. It's not that easy for me.
Jess: Sounds to me like a lot of excuses, Schmidt. Just be spontaneous.