Malcolm: Dad? I made coffee. You want some?
Hal: Oh, hi. I was just singing. Always have a song in your heart, son. Thanks. [sighs] You know what the worst thing is? I have always hated that job. I wanted to quit ten years ago when they started deducting for sick days. I wanted to quit a year ago when they started making us vacuum out our own cubicles. If I'd have done that, they would have found another patsy and I wouldn't have been in this mess. They should have just fired me. I mean, I was a terrible employee. I never read a memo, I came in late, I blew off Fridays. What the hell is wrong with those people? Just promise me that you'll learn from my mistakes. Don't ever settle, Malcolm.
Malcolm: I won't.
Hal: I'm going to go make love to your mother one last time.
Malcolm: [to camera] I probably wasn't going to sleep tonight anyway.

Police Officer: [over bullhorn] You're not alone. We've called every available police officer in the Tri-County area. Are you sure you don't need any equipment? We've got some needle-nose pliers.
Hal: No! Stay away! [calmly] Everyone has to stay away! This thing is picking up a lot of vibrations right now. I said get back. Do you have a death wish, Officer?
Lt. Sortino: I'm Lieutenant Sortino with the bomb squad. I'm here to help. What's your name?
Hal: There's no time for introductions. We've got a level five explosive with a gravity timer and a percussion fuse.
Lt. Sortino: What bomb squad did you say you were with?
Hal: Millbrook. I'm off duty. Came by to return a library book. You've got a better selection here. And they charge 50 cents a day back home. Now, I know the fines help pay for the place, but that's really a very small part of the budget. Now, if we are finished playing 20 questions, I've got lives to save.
Lt. Sortino: Since you guys seem more up to date in Millbrook, I'm just going to go call your supervisor, see if he can send some backup.
Hal: Hoo-hoo! Sure. If you can find him. [mimes drinking] Okay, I'm going to try to detach the coaxial... Oh, no! I cut the wrong wire! It's gonna blow! [dives on the backpack] Tell my wife I love her! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!
[As the gathered police officers and fire fighters flinch and look away, Hal disappears with the backpack]

Malcolm: Can I have the potatoes?
Hal: You can have anything you want, son, if you're willing to work for it. Just reach for the stars and never let go. I should have told you that a long time ago. And when you write an angry letter, hold onto it for a day. You might not feel the same in the morning. And never invest in a friend's restaurant. Never. You know what? I'm not hungry. Come on, Dewey, let's go teach you how to shave.
Dewey: Great!
Hal: When you tip a valet, always fold your dollar up real tight. That way, by the time he sees what he's got, you're down the block.