Malcolm: Dad? I made coffee. You want some?
Hal: Oh, hi. I was just singing. Always have a song in your heart, son. Thanks. [sighs] You know what the worst thing is? I have always hated that job. I wanted to quit ten years ago when they started deducting for sick days. I wanted to quit a year ago when they started making us vacuum out our own cubicles. If I'd have done that, they would have found another patsy and I wouldn't have been in this mess. They should have just fired me. I mean, I was a terrible employee. I never read a memo, I came in late, I blew off Fridays. What the hell is wrong with those people? Just promise me that you'll learn from my mistakes. Don't ever settle, Malcolm.
Malcolm: I won't.
Hal: I'm going to go make love to your mother one last time.
Malcolm: [to camera] I probably wasn't going to sleep tonight anyway.

Police Officer: [over bullhorn] You're not alone. We've called every available police officer in the Tri-County area. Are you sure you don't need any equipment? We've got some needle-nose pliers.
Hal: No! Stay away! [calmly] Everyone has to stay away! This thing is picking up a lot of vibrations right now. I said get back. Do you have a death wish, Officer?
Lt. Sortino: I'm Lieutenant Sortino with the bomb squad. I'm here to help. What's your name?
Hal: There's no time for introductions. We've got a level five explosive with a gravity timer and a percussion fuse.
Lt. Sortino: What bomb squad did you say you were with?
Hal: Millbrook. I'm off duty. Came by to return a library book. You've got a better selection here. And they charge 50 cents a day back home. Now, I know the fines help pay for the place, but that's really a very small part of the budget. Now, if we are finished playing 20 questions, I've got lives to save.
Lt. Sortino: Since you guys seem more up to date in Millbrook, I'm just going to go call your supervisor, see if he can send some backup.
Hal: Hoo-hoo! Sure. If you can find him. [mimes drinking] Okay, I'm going to try to detach the coaxial... Oh, no! I cut the wrong wire! It's gonna blow! [dives on the backpack] Tell my wife I love her! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!
[As the gathered police officers and fire fighters flinch and look away, Hal disappears with the backpack]

Francis: Malcolm, we have to talk. We've been avoiding this, but it's time to face the facts. We need you to forge Dad's signature on this document declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way, when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
Dewey: It's funny. I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?