Hal: I hate children. I can't believe it. Your mother and I... Well, all of us, really are missing the greatest beef in the world because your brother Malcolm is drunk!
Dewey: He's not drunk, Dad. He's hiding under his bed with Dutch girls.
Hal: Don't cover for him! Malcolm, you're such a big man when you're getting drunk to impress your friends. But when it's time to drive home and take your punishment, it's "Oh, Daddy, come save me."