Tim Quote #554
Jill: Oh, no. What did you do to my washing machine? Why is it on life support?
Tim: I improved it.
Jill: Unimprove it.
Tim: Come on, honey.
Jill: It has lights?
Tim: Just for effect, OK? I have revolutionized the laundry-care system. Now, stay with me on this, OK? You're watching TV, watching a little football game out there...
Jill: I don't like football.
Tim: All right, all right. You're watching the... opera, and it's 30 to go, all right? You hear the buzzer. Beep! Time to add the fabric softener. You go, "Oh." You don't wanna leave. You'll miss that fat broad with the horns and the high notes, spiking the ball, right? You see what I've got here? Bleach, detergent, fabric softener. On timers and tubes. This adds it by itself, on a time cycle. It's about ready to go, right about...
Jill: I can't believe it. It worked. It actually worked.
Tim: As you see, honey, I've got things under control. So have a nice day.
Jill: It actually worked!
Tim: Have a nice day, honey. And don't sound so shocked.
Quote from Al
Al: Well, Tim... marriage is all about compromise. Give and take. Understanding each other and sharing.
Tim: That was beautiful, Al. Wanna hold hands and sing "Feelings"?
Al: I was just... I was just trying to help.
Tim: I don't need help on my marriage from a guy who hasn't been married.
Al: You think I don't know what it feels like to be married to you?
Al: Sharing a workbench for three long years, and never having you once put the cap back on the epoxy. And don't think that I haven't noticed that you squeeze the tube from the middle instead of the end. These are just some of the things I have to take home with me every night.
Tim: I don't think we should call your segment "Bachelor Corner." We should call it "The Alone and Desperate Corner."
Quote from Al
Al: Well, Tim, I also have a helpful household hint. I'm going to show the audience something you don't ordinarily do with a potato.
Tim: You might wanna keep the kids away from the TV set.
Al: Here's a safe way to take a broken bulb from its socket. You simply take a cut potato, jam it into the socket, twist...
Tim: And in minutes you have thousands of curly fries. A wonderful snack for TV time...
Al: Tim. Tim. Tim! I doubted the razor, but I gave it a chance. Please do not mock my potato.
Tim: You say, "potato," I say, "stupid."
Al: Tim, this'll work. You twist, and pull the broken bulb right out of the socket. But first, you must...
Tim: Jam it in the light.
[Sparks fly when Tim sticks the potato into the light. He trembles as he grabs his jacket and walks off set]
Al: Unplug the lamp.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.