Tim Quote #485

Quote from Tim in Roomie for Improvement

Jill: I'm so glad Mark is finally better. I'm just exhausted.
Tim: In the hotel room, the bed was like sleeping on a bag of rocks.
Jill: And the room was so small, wasn't it?
Tim: Small? So small the mice were hunchbacked. It was so small, I put my key in the door, it went through the window. So small, all you could order was condensed milk. I had a folding toothbrush. It was so small, there was no room for complaints.

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 ‘Roomie for Improvement’ Quotes

Quote from Al

Tim: Anyway, let's get back to our salute... to lubricants. For this demonstration, we've split this straight six-cylinder down the middle.
Al: Tim, my mother has very fine taste. Her shirts look nothing like this.
Tim: Right, Al. Anyway, try to imagine, if you will, that my fists are pistons. All right, Al. Close up the engine.
Al: Gladly, Tim.
Tim: OK. Let's try to start this engine. Well, it won't start. That's because the pistons are stuck. Just like they were last year during the NBA play-offs. But they will move if they're lubricated. That's if the oil pump is pumping oil through the system, the pistons will move. So, let's open the engine up and show 'em how the oil gets in there. Grab the oil and open me up, Al.
Al: Ah, here it is, of course, motor oil. Well, gee. I wouldn't want to get any of this on my nice shirt my mother gave me. I better go change before I let you out.
Tim: Come on, open this up, Al. Al! Tool Time tip of the day: when you're insulting your coworker's mother, make sure you're not locked into an engine compartment. Al, I know you're back there. Al, I know right where you're standing. Al, let me out.

Quote from Al

Tim: Come on, let me in.
Al: [o.s.] Go away, Tim.
Tim: Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.
Al: [o.s.] It's over between us.
Tim: [sees Cynthia] Al, open the door.
Al: [o.s.] No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed. [Cynthia drops her groceries]

Quote from Al

Al: I would like you to meet Tim Taylor. This is the man that I work with.
Tim: Hi, Cynthia. How are you?
Cynthia: Oh, you're the one who assists Al on his show.
Tim: That's me.

 Tim Taylor Quotes

Quote from At Sea

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.

Quote from The Look

Benny: What's the look?
Tim: Oh, come on. It's just the most potent weapon in a woman's arsenal. Her face will transform right in front of you. Her lips get really tight like this.
Marty: Yeah. And then her whole face shrivels up. It's like...
Harry: Yeah. And then her eyes get real small and meet right in the middle of her head like a Cyclops in a housecoat.
Tim: Just when you think you can't take anymore, she lines you up and finishes you off.
Benny: Ohh! I'm never getting married. And not just because women can't stand me.