Tim Quote #77

Quote from Tim in Adventures in Fine Dining

Tim: So Al and I have finished that subfloor. And next time, we'll show you how to lay tongue-and-groove hardwood flooring. Al, what size floorboard are we using on that. Al?
Al: Uh, Tim, they're three inches wide by one eighth of an inch thick. They'll be fastened down by driving a nail at a 45-degree angle -hrough their longitudinal tongue.
Tim: Oh! That's gotta hurt, huh? But we do that to hide the nail, don't we?
Al: That's right, Tim.
Tim: I know that sounds complicated. But it's not. And what you'll end up with is an absolutely beautiful dining-room floor. Speaking of dining rooms, that brings me to today's Tool Tip for Tool Time. It's about etiquette. It's a big word. So get out your dictionary. See, the dining room needs two things to be complete. A floor... [chuckles]... and manners. See, when men are together by ourselves. We don't worry about manners, do we? 'cause, hey, we don't need 'em, do we? At the ball game, what's better than a mustard fight with your buddies. Or spit..., spitting beer? Hey, buddy. Hey! Or my personal favorite, jamming two big french fries up that nose. Acting like a walrus. Hey! It's guy stuff, and women don't appreciate guy stuff and that's the truth. I don't think a woman really understands the diaphragmatic control it takes to do all of the vowels in one belch. A-E-I-O-U. Manners. Use manners. It shows you're civilized. It tells women you're civilized. And they'll keep doing things for you. So always remember that. Use the correct fork. Put the napkin in your lap. And always - I do mean always - excuse yourself when you lose a little pressure. Because I want you to remember, men. The first three letters of "manners" are... [grunts]
[title: "Manners" -> "Men"]
Tim: See you next week.

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 ‘Adventures in Fine Dining’ Quotes

Quote from Randy

Brad: Mom.
Jill: What?
Brad: Dad's cussing.
Tim: I'm not cussing.
Mark: He said a bad word.
Tim: It wasn't bad.
Randy: Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn".
Tim: I did not say "damn".
Randy: Now you did.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Now, what are we gonna do about our boys' table manners?
Tim: You should give a refresher course.
Jill: Me? What about you?
Tim: [mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?
Jill: I see. So table manners are the woman's job.
Tim: Historically. Jill, yes, that's the case. Emily Post. Amy Vanderbilt. And, of course, who could forget Miss Manners? I don't recall an etiquette column called "Ask Chuck". "You know, Chuck, I've been eating pot roast all my life. Get that little gristle piece stuck in the middle of my tooth. Do you suck it out with the tongue or ask somebody to do it? Help me out. Haul that thing out."

 Tim Taylor Quotes

Quote from At Sea

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.