Tim Quote #330
Tim: I got everything I need. Chips, soda, all ready for that poker game. Whoa! Looks like your mom made some dip.
Jill: [o.s.] Don't eat that!
Tim: I know. It's for the company. [licks dip off finger] Is that your mother's recipe?
Jill: No. It's not a dip. It's an organic face mask. [Tim retches]
Quote from Jill
Jill: Robbie, can I give you just a little piece of advice?
Jill: Well, you're gonna hear it anyway. Marriage is about one thing - compromise. And guess who gets to do most of that?
Both: We do.
Jill: It's 70-30. Unless you count childbirth, and then it's 97-3.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Now, listen, you need to learn to let some things go, because you know you make everything such a big deal. Just eliminate the things that drive you the craziest.
Robin: Well, that would be Charlie. He is such a slob, Jill. He leaves his clothes on the floor, his wet towels on the bed. I wish he was more like Tim.
Robin: At least Tim helps you out around the house.
Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. Without me he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.
Robin: How did you train him?
Jill: Well, first I got rid of the trough.
Quote from Wilson
Tim: How do women and men even stay together?
Wilson: It has to do with barbed wire, Tim.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: As a boy I used to spend summers at my Uncle Leonard's farm and at the edge of his property he had a huge oak tree. Running through the middle of that tree was an old barbed-wire fence.
Tim: It went right through the tree?
Wilson: Right through the middle of the tree. When a tree is planted close to a fence it has nowhere to grow. As it expands and grows bigger it extends over the fence and slowly envelops the wire. The two separate entities gradually become one.
Tim: Am I the tree or the barbed wire?
Wilson: Well, I don't think you're the tree, Tim. [Tim laughs] Ah, the point is, the two were joined without destroying the tree or losing the integrity of the fence. It's almost as if they belong together.
Tim: Like Jill and me.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.
Quote from The Look
Benny: What's the look?
Tim: Oh, come on. It's just the most potent weapon in a woman's arsenal. Her face will transform right in front of you. Her lips get really tight like this.
Marty: Yeah. And then her whole face shrivels up. It's like...
Harry: Yeah. And then her eyes get real small and meet right in the middle of her head like a Cyclops in a housecoat.
Tim: Just when you think you can't take anymore, she lines you up and finishes you off.
Benny: Ohh! I'm never getting married. And not just because women can't stand me.