Jill Quote #20
Larry Houdini: But tell me, where are the birthday balloons, funny party hats, the pony ride?
Jill: Well, um, actually, no one here's having a birthday.
Larry Houdini: Well, you told me on the phone it was a birthday.
Jill: I know. I lied. I'm so sorry. I was desperate. My husband didn't get a baby-sitter. And I called everybody I knew. And everybody was busy. And couldn't you just please stay?
Larry Houdini: Never. Never! Sir Larry has performed prestidigitation before prime ministers, heads of state, two kings, and a cranky duke. And never once has he stooped to baby-sitting to make ends meet. [Jill takes a bill out of her purse] [sings] Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday... your names here Happy birthday to you
Jill: Thank you so much. You don't know what this means to me.
Home Improvement Quotes
‘Off Sides’ Quotes
Quote from Wilson
Wilson: The point is, you and Jill don't have to understand each other completely. What is important is to share and enjoy the things you both do understand.
Tim: That's exactly what she was talking about, too. Sharing. She wanted to share. But ballroom dancing?
Wilson: Well, why don't you give it a try, Tim? [Tim grumbles] As the ancient Celtic saying goes: never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Honey, would you like to go and watch the game?
Tim: No. No. We were talking about... Uh... [long silence]
Jill: Ballroom dancing.
Tim: Ballroom dancing. That's what it is. [shouting from kitchen]
Jill: So anyway. The lessons are on Tuesday nights. And, uh, it doesn't really cost very much. [shouting from kitchen] And... I've been having an affair with a space alien.
Tim: Uh-huh.
Jill: Yep. I'm... I'm having his baby.
Tim: Uh-huh.
Rick: Touchdown!
Quote from Tim
Tim: Welcome to the Taylor home. We're about ready to start that second half of this fantastic game. Green Bay Packers. Minnesota Vikings. [grunts] Before we go down to the field. Let's check out that snack situation. Mark, take it away.
Mark: Pretzels, liquorice, pork rinds.
Tim: Yeah. That's three major food groups right there: salt, sugar, lard. Um, all right. Today, I got cold brewskis for me. Ice-cold root brewskis for my boys...
Brad: Dad? Here are the chips.
Tim: You got it, buddy.
Brad: Go long.
Tim: Nice pass, kid. All right. [Tim struggles to open the bag of chips]
Randy: Dad?
Tim: What?
Randy: You're turning all red.
Tim: [bag splits open] [laughs] There's a warning label right there. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight in Detroit. Could cause an explosion. [chuckles]
Jill: Wow. Look at this warning label. Socks may strike husband unexpectedly.
Tim: You could put an eye out like that.