Frasier: And we're back. It seems we've got time for one more call... Don't bother Roz, I'll get it. Go ahead, caller, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'm listening.
Ralph: "Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Ralph. The guy whose tire you changed tonight?"
Frasier: Ralph. Well, what a wonderful surprise. Let me first say to our listeners that this call was not solicited in any way.
Ralph: "Dr. Crane, I was just wondering, do you wear cuff links?"
Frasier: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do. But there's no need to buy me a gift.
Ralph: "A gift? You scratched the hell out of my paint job with those things. You owe me money"
Frasier: You can't be serious! How much damage can cuff links do to a car whose side window consists of duct tape and a Hefty Bag?
Ralph: "Ah, you'll find out when my lawyer sends you the bill."
Roz: Let me remind you again, listeners, that call was not solicited.

Roz: On line two we have Bill, who's going through a very difficult transition.
Frasier: Hello, Bill.
Dorothy: "Hello? Is someone there?"
Frasier: Well, I see we're pretty much through our transition, aren't we, Bill?

Frasier: Roz, who do we have on the line?
Roz: On line four we have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted. [Roz presses a button. A dial tone is heard.] Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.

Frasier: Well, we've got just about a minute before we go to the news. I understand we have Tom from Freemont on line one. Go ahead, Tom.
Tom: "I don't want to be squeezed into a minute, I will go on after the news."
Frasier: Well, why don't you tell me your problem now and then I can give you my reply when we come back.
Tom: "No, I'll wait."
Frasier: Very well. Roz, who else do we have?
Roz: We have Brian on a car phone.
Frasier: Ah. Go ahead, Brian, I'm listening.
Brian: "For what? Thirty seconds? I'll wait, too."

Frasier: Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.
Tom: "Hi, Dr. Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically."
Frasier: Well, how long have you two been together?
Tom: "Six years."
Frasier: And the sex is still that good?
Tom: "Oh man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. But I'm not sure we have much else in common."
Frasier: Well, common interests are of course the foundation of- Three times, you say?
Tom: "Is that abnormal?"
Frasier: Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal. It's not fair, but it's not abnormal. Um, but you know, perhaps you share more things than you think you do actually. I'll tell you what, try this: why don't you pick up a catalog from a local university, go through it with her and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together?
Tom: "That's a good idea. Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend."
Frasier: Well, I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.

Frasier: Well, we've got about thirty seconds. I think we've got time for one quick call. Hello, Marlene, I'm listening.
Marlene: "Oh my God, I'm really on?"
Frasier: Yes, your problem, please...
Marlene: "[dog barking] Lucky, Lucky, get down. George, get the dog. Oh my God, this is so exciting. [baby crying] Honey, honey, get the baby. George, get your son. Okay, okay, here it is, Dr. Crane: if my husband and I don't find some time to have sex soon, I think I'm gonna burst. I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger. [man calls "Hello"] Oh, kids! Look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop Pop! I'll call you back. [disconnects]"
Frasier: Well, to all you Marlenes out there, may I suggest that sexwith a stranger is not the answer. Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop, lock Lucky downstairs inthe basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have, and let the postman ring twice.

Frasier: Welcome back to the night owl edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane show. We have Stephen on line two. Go ahead, caller, you're on the air.
Stephen: "I think I'm losing my mind, Dr. Crane. People are talking to me through my radio."
Frasier: Why do you think that?
Stephen: "There it is again."
Frasier: Turn your radio down.
Stephen: "Now it's giving me orders."
Frasier: Stephen, turn your radio down.
Stephen: "And it knows my name."
Frasier: Stephen, listen to me: this is your radio talking. I'm a very smart radio, and I care about you. And I want you to turn me off, go to bed, and seek counseling in the morning.
Stephen: "Okay. Sorry, Doc, can't talk anymore."

Roz: We have Elliot, on line three.
Frasier: Hello, Elliot. I'm listening.
Elliot: "Well, you see Dr. Crane, I have a problem. I'm a salesman..."
Frasier: Ah, a salesman? How old are you?
Elliot: "Forty-three."
Frasier: Forty-three?
Elliot: "Yes."
Frasier: Now, tell. Let's be truthful.
Elliot: "I'm forty-three."
Frasier: Now, Elliot, we were not born yesterday. Clearly you are just an adolescent, trying to prove to your little friends how clever you are by getting on the radio. But you know what you are really doing, you're taking time away from people with real problems.
Elliot: "Hey, I'm forty-three. My problem is I have a very young-sounding voice that people make fun of all the time!"
Frasier: Oh, I'm so sorry, Elliot, that was very insensitive of me.
Elliot: "Hah! Gotcha, Dr. Doofus!" [a gaggle of children laugh]
Frasier: Yes, indeed you did "get us," Elliot, but we are not so stuffy here on this program that we can't laugh at ourselves from time to time. [off-air] Roz, can't you keep these pimply-faced little maggots off the air?!

Hank: "So, Dr. Crane, I just don't know what to do about my weight. I've tried diet after diet, from the milkshakes three times a day to that scary bald-headed lady on TV. Nothing seems to work."
Frasier: Hank, listen to me. You've got to look inside yourself. There is a part of you that isn't being fed.
Hank: "Well, it certainly isn't my butt."
Frasier: Yes, well, I'm talking about your inner self. What isn't being fed there? Love, career, simple self-esteem? There are deeper issues at work here.
Hank: "So, so what do I do?"
Frasier: Well, I'd suggest extended therapy. Please stay on the line, and my producer Roz will refer you to the help you need. Roz, who's our next call?
Roz: We have someone on line one who disagrees with your advice to Hank.
Frasier: Ah, really? Hello, you're on the line.
Lilith: "Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways."
Frasier: Lilith?
Lilith: "Overeating is very simply a behavioral problem caused by negative reinforcement. It can be cured quite readily by behavior modification."
Frasier: I see. Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
Lilith: "What do you mean by 'celebrity?'"
Frasier: Oh, they know you.

Roz: On line one we have Marianne, she's concerned about her daughter.
Frasier: Hello, Marianne, I'm listening.
Marianne: "Kids - you can't live with them, you can't shove them back in the womb."
Frasier: Well, as we try to forget the image that that summons up, how can I help you, Marianne?
Marianne: "Well, two days ago, Judy, my twenty-two year old, arrived home for a visit with her boyfriend. I insisted that they sleep in separate bedrooms. She got furious with me, and she's been giving me dirty looks all week. Am I completely out of line here?"
Frasier: Not at all. I- I think that in your own house you make up the rules.
Marianne: "Thank you."
Frasier: "But, are we sure there isn't something else going on here? Perhaps you're having a problem thinking of your daughter as an adult. You see, we all have a tendency to freeze people in roles with which we are most comfortable. Especially when it comes to that old bugaboo, sex. You know, let me use myself as an example. As many of you know, my sixty-three year old father recently moved in with me and, just this morning over coffee, I discovered that he had spent the night in his room with a delightful creature named Elaine. Well, the entire episode completely unnerved me. Why? Because I had never thought of my father as a man with normal sexual urges. To me he was always old plain old Dad. Well, that's absurd. My father is a witty, virile, charming man, possessed with the hereditary Crane good looks, and what I suppose I'm driving at is, that sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood, at any age. I think it's time we embrace that, don't you, Marianne?
Marianne: "Sorry, Dr. Crane, I gotta go. I'm hearing noises from the guest room."
Frasier: Well, as Marianne rushes to the guest room with a bucket of ice water, we will pause for these messages.