Roger: "Well, I had a really good year, so I decided, hey, why not reward myself? So I bought what I really wanted, a 48ft cabin cruiser. Want to know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me, 300 grand. Not to mention the $20,000 for the custom teak decking. Now, here's my problem: My wife wants to call this incredible vessel 'Lullubelle', after her mother. 'Lullubelle!' So, I say no, we call it 'The Intrepid'. So, what do you think it should be called, 'Lullubelle' or 'The Intrepid'?"
Frasier: Roger. At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the "tunneling electron microscope." Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

Frasier: Hello, Doug, this is Dr Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Doug: "Yeah, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life. I mean, she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I mean, she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it is very frustrating."
Frasier: Doug, I'm sorry. Can we just go back for a second? You said your mother "literally" hangs around the house. I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine, but what you mean to say is she figuratively hangs around the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or a spider monkey. Now back to your problem.
Doug: "Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?"
Frasier: Oh, not at all.
Doug: "I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes who nitpick your grammar when you come to them for help. That's what I've got a problem with."
Frasier: I think what he means is, "That is a thing with which he has a problem."

Frasier: Hello, Rachel. I'm listening.
Rachel: "Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane. Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle."
Frasier: [off-air, to Roz] Oh goody, this is sweeps week!
Rachel: "You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem. He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the dresser in our bedroom."
Frasier: That is a definite yikes.
Rachel: "See, I knew that wasn't normal. He says it is, but I knew it wasn't!"
Frasier: All right, Rachel, Rachel, now listen. Before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room?
Rachel: "Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room. [sound of crockery breaking] Oops."
Frasier: Rachel, what happened?
Rachel: "Oh, oh, nothing. I gotta run, Dr. Crane. I've got some vacuuming to do."
Frasier: Well, as Rachel helps Phil's wife off the floor, we have reached the end of our second hour.

Roz: We have Pam on line four. She's having a problem with her family.
Frasier: Hello, Pam. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Pam: "Hi. It's my in-laws. It's just that, well, they drop over all the time without calling first and they expect us to stop what we're doing and entertain them."
Frasier: Well, they're your husband's parents. What does he suggest?
Pam: "The other day he had us drop to the floor and stay quiet until they drove away."
Frasier: A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution.
Pam: "Well, I thought about saying something but I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings."
Frasier: Well, then, you have a choice. Either you risk hurting their feelings or you spend the rest of your life diving for cover whenever they happen to drop on by.
Pam: [Doorbell] "Shh! They're here!"
Frasier: Your in-laws?
Pam: "Shh! Yes."
Frasier: (Whispers) Then why don't you just take this opportunity- Oh, for Pete's sake! Why don't you just tell them how you feel.
Pam: "Okay, okay. I will. Next time. I promise. Thanks, Dr. Crane."
Frasier: Ah, well, as Pam belly-crawls across her living room, let's take a moment for this message from Carpet Fresh. How's that for a segue?

Caller: "I don't understand it, Doc. I'm a successful guy. I have my own car dealership, but still I'm depressed. You've probably heard of me, Madman Martinez."
Frasier: Well, what seems to be the source of your depression Madman?
Caller: "I guess it's just that business is down. I don't know why. I slashed prices this week. Right now, I got an '88 Olds Cutlass on the lot in rare turquoise metallic, Cordoba roof, leather, factory year"-
Frasier: Madman.
Caller: "And that's nothing compared to the six brand new Supras I got in. They're priced to sell with a 20% discount to all your listeners. People say to me, 'Madman, you're crazy!', but I say, 'Hey, I deal in volume!'"
Frasier: [turning the volume down on the line] Fortunately, so do I. Well, that's about all the time we have today, folks. Stay tuned for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe after these paid commercial messages.

Frasier: Well, Roz, I think we have just enough time for one more call.
Roz: Okay, we have Andy from Bremerton on line three.
Frasier: Hello, Andy, I'm listening.
Andy: "Am I on?"
Frasier: Yes, go ahead.
Andy: "Can you hear me?"
Frasier: Yes, you're on the air.
Andy: "Hello?"
Frasier: You're on.
Andy: "Am I on?"
Frasier: Not any more. This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL, wishing you good mental health.

Frasier: It's 4:25, and this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Roz, who's our next caller?
Roz: We have Hank on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbors.
Frasier: Hello, Hank, I'm listening.
Hank: "Am I on?"
Frasier: Yes, you're on the air.
Hank: "Hello, am I on?"
Frasier: Hank, listen. Turn down your radio and just talk into your phone.
Hank: "Hello?"
Frasier: Hank, please. You won't be able to hear yourself. We're on a seven-second delay.
Hank: "Hello, can you hear me?"
Frasier: For crying out loud! Thank you, Hank. People, would you please turn off your damn radios! Ah, no, I mean just those of you who are calling in!

Roz: We have Tom on the phone from Woodenville.
Frasier: Hello, Tom. I'm listening.
Tom: [nervously speaking fast] "Thank God, I thought I'd never get through. Dr. Crane, I'm-I have a problem, and I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to get married soon, but I'm having second thoughts. Do you think it's just cold feet, or-or what?"
Frasier: All right, Tom, just calm down, let's work through this thing together, you and I. Are you in love with this girl?
Tom: "Of course. Yes. I, I think."
Frasier: Now remember, Tom, this is the person with whom you'll be spending the rest of your life. That is a long time.
Tom: "It is, isn't it?"
Frasier: Yes. In fact, getting married is probably the biggest decision you will ever make in your life. It requires time, temperance, and thought.
[The wedding march can be heard from Tom's end of the line]
Frasier: Tom, what's that music?
Tom: "Sorry, Dr. Crane. There's no time to talk. I have to tell Monica the bad news."
Frasier: Wait, wait, wait, Tom, no! [dial tone] Oh, dear. Well, if anyone out there happens to know Monica, just tell her to call in on Monday and I'll move her right to the head of the line. Um. Meanwhile, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying good day, and good mental health.

Frasier: We're back, Seattle. And in accordance with new station policy, we are going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct. In other words, who wants to talk about SEX?! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! [Roz adds the sound of whip] Yeah! I want to know who's having sex! How you're having it! I want to know if you're having it right now!
Roz: Look, Dr. Crane, the lines are hot! [sultry voice] Really hot!
Frasier: Thank you, Kitty. [punches button] Hello, Caller. What are you wearing?
Nancy: "Nothing. I'm naked."
Frasier: Hey, that's a great idea! Let's all get naked! Hey, I'm getting naked right now!
Roz: While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know if you prefer to be the spanker, or the spankee.
Nancy: "Oh, definitely the spanker."
Frasier: Well then, hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants!

Greg: "...and lately I've had the chronic fluctuating mood disturbances which would indicate cyclothymic disorder. I mean, the hypomanic symptoms are there and yet I'm experiencing moments of aphasia and apraxia and I just want to pull my teeth out, Dr. Crane. What do you think?"
Frasier: Well, Greg, two possible diagnoses come to mind. Either you are seriously mentally ill and you should be institutionalized immediately, or you are a first-year psychology student.
Greg: "Oh yeah, yeah, I'm at UW."
Frasier: Yes, well, it's not uncommon for students to feel that they're manifesting symptoms that they are studying. It'll pass.
Greg: "What do I do till it passes?"
Frasier: Well, just relax. Though it might be a good idea to postpone reading about male sexual disorder until after spring break.