Will: Hey, you know what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, it ain't like I'm still 5 years old, you know. It ain't like I'm going to be sitting up every night asking my mom: "When's Daddy coming home?" You know, who needs him? He wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got through my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive. I learned how to shave. I learned how to fight without him. I had 14 great birthdays without him. He never even sent me a damn card. To hell with him! I didn't need him then and I don't need him now.
Philip: Will-
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him. I'm gonna get a great job without him. I'm going to marry me a beautiful honey, and I'm gonna have me a whole bunch of kids and I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, because there ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids. How come he don't want me, man?

Carlton: Where am I? Last thing I remember, I was doing the running man to I Will Always Love You.
Will: Carlton, you're at a hospital.
Carlton: Wow, I feel terrible. I never thought losing my virginity would be this painful.
Will: Carlton, I got some bad news.
Carlton: Oh, God, I malfunctioned.
Will: No. See, you never made it past the dance floor. Those pills that you took weren't vitamins.
Carlton: What were they?
Will: Look, you gotta promise you're not gonna overreact.
Carlton: What could be worse than finding out I'm still a virgin?
Will: It was speed.
Carlton: Oh, my God. I'm a drug addict and a virgin!

Vivian: Look, there he goes.
Trevor: [on TV] Hilary Banks...
Hilary: Yes, Trevor?
Trevor: [on TV] Will you marry me? [thud]
[As the TV picture turns to static, the family are stunned into silence]
Will: I ain't no bungee expert or nothing... But I don't think he's supposed to be slamming into the ground like that.
[A title card appears on the TV]
Hilary: "Please stand by"? Great. The president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.

Fred: You know, Phil, it sounds to me like you don't think my town is good enough for you and your ritzy friends.
Will: Hey, man, why you ain't tell me you invited the Ritzy's?
Philip: Fred, let me simplify this for you. Now, ha, ha, if flying out here is a problem for you and your guests don't worry about it, it's on me.
Fred: I'm gonna be on you too if you keep throwing your money in my face, you fat cat.
Will: Okay. Ding, ding, ding! All sumo wrestlers to the showers!
Fred: I'll have you know, I put $10,000 aside for this wedding.
Philip: Oh, please, that wouldn't even cover the invitations.
Will: Okay, okay. [singing] Kumbaya, my lord Everybody! [singing] Kumbaya

[fantasy:]
Shantay: I'm sorry, dear. Did you want something?
Will: Yes, I'd like to know what pods these kids came from.
Shaquille: Actually, Father, we came from a zygote. You see, in human reproduction...
Will: Uh, knock it off. Ever since you won that Nobel Prize you think you're so doggone smart.
Shantay: Honey, you seem tense.
Will: I am tense. Everybody all perfect, baby, I don't know.
Shantay: Why don't I send the children away and dress up in that French maid's uniform and give you a nice hot-oil massage?
Will: You, you, you! Why must everything always be about you? What about my needs?
Shantay: I'm sorry, honey. What do you want?
Will: I want a girl with extensions in her hair and bamboo earrings, at least two pair. I want kids that pick their noses sometimes and roll me when I'm drunk. I mean, I want a dirty house. No, I want a dirty house. I want to argue in public, you know. I want you to have a headache sometime. I want a regular life. I want a regular marriage.
Shantay: Sweetheart, you seem upset. Let's all give Daddy a great big hug.
Will: No! No!