Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Ben: Nice to be home.
Leslie Knope: It is. But I mean, I love Pawnee, I will always love Pawnee, but London is amazing. And Silkeborg sounds amazing, and Mongolia sounds amazing.
Ben: Their mayor is a professional wolverine Wrangler.
Leslie Knope: Fine, Mongolia sounds terrifying, but the world is a very big place, and I've seen very little of it. Maybe we should travel more, expand our horizons.
Ben: You know, I've had the same kinds of thoughts. We should keep that in mind, see where it leads us.

Jean-Ralphio: I'm gonna tell you something that I once heard from a very, very smart woman named Kim.
Ben: The lady who waxes you?
Jean-Ralphio: She told me, "if you don't love what you do... Then why do it?" Then she ripped the hair from my b-hole. [ripping sound]