Ron: Well, what do you got here? You know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following.
Newman: They follow him like a cult.
Kramer: He can't even walk down the street in South America.
Ron: Look, that's his problem, all right? Now you don't like it, too bad.
Kramer: [in Newman's ear] I don't like it.
Newman: I don't like it.
Ron: Well, then get the hell out of my store, all right? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.
Kramer: [in Newman's ear] All right, we'll be back, jack.
Newman: All right, we'll be back, jack!

Phoebe: I brought you some housewarming gifts. Salt, so your life always has flavor. Bread, so you never go hungry. And a scented candle for the bathroom. Because, well, you know.

Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter. Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
Michael Scott: No. I don't wanna do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [ringtone starts again] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little news flash. It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! God! [punches his fist into the wall] That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.

Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.

Rachel: Well, now that everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
Phoebe: Aw. What?
Rachel: No. No, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today. She told me she was out of town.
Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: It's a good toast.
Rachel: Look, will you please get her attention?
Ross: Oh. Mommy? Mother. [mouths] Sock.
Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake. Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!

Nick: As we all know, marriage is about sex and property. Everybody say that with me once. Marriage is about s... [all silent] I imagined that differently.
Schmidt: [on video call] You're okay. You're okay. Pull it together. Just let the index cards go. Speak from the heart.
Nick: You know who I'm talking to when I say you were rude to me earlier at the bar. And now who's in control? I could point to you and call you out, but I won't. When I first met this guy, Schmidt, I thought, "I'm not gonna be friends with him. I don't like his personality." Magic's fake. [guests murmuring] Believe what you want, but I want you guys to think about something, and now this is off the jack. In a couple generations, we're all gonna be dead, and no one's gonna remember any of us. I mean, think about it. Do you remember your great-great grandparents or... or their parents, or what they did day to day? The point is, it doesn't matter. Everyone you know will be dead.
Schmidt: That's right.
Nick: Congratulations, man. I love you.
Schmidt: Best friends.
Nick: That's my time, everybody. Thank you.
Schmidt: Look, if it made sense, it wouldn't be my wedding.

Dorothy: Blanche, I didn't know you went out. Are you coming back from a date?
Blanche: You know, Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel.
Dorothy: Honey, If you didn't have a date, how come you're so dressed up?
Blanche: Well, I sat down and tried to think of a surefire place to meet men. It was so obvious I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before. The hardware store. I mean, hardware stores are alive with sexual energy. Tools, plugs, sockets, nude furniture, dirty stuff like that.
Sophia: Why are you home so early?
Blanche: Well, I saw a very attractive man in power tools. I piqued his interest with the usual hardware questions. "Where does this go?" "What does this do?" And he followed me to plumbing, where I bought a see-through shower curtain.
Dorothy: And, uh, where is he now? Tied to the roof rack of your car?
Blanche: No, there was something about him that turned me off. I think it was the way he cleaned his ears with his keys.

Dorothy: Look, could we get back to lining the shelves?
Blanche: I don't feel like it anymore.
Rose: What do you wanna do instead?
Blanche: I know. Let's rent an adult video, drink mimosas and French-kiss the pillows.

Schmidt: We're celebrating... Me and you. Jess, you can have whatever you want on the menu. They got pizza, gelato, Tikka Masala. A raw bar. This place is doing too much. They can't be doing all this right.

Hal: Shouldn't you be in bed?
Malcolm: I got sick of lying there, so I thought I'd look on the Internet for stuff about the murders. I got police reports, crime photos, newspaper articles... There's a ton of stuff.
Hal: Really?
Malcolm: The guy's name was Gareth Stringer. Normal guy, Scout master, everybody loved him. So, one day, out of nowhere, he comes home from work and murders his entire family. They say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself.
Hal: For a whole week, huh?
Malcolm: That's where the wife's body was found. [Hal whimpers and moves] He put all the tongues in a pile right there. [Hal moves every time Malcolm points to another location] So I guess that must have been skin wall. And that was hair corner. Over there were... finger puppets?! Oh, finger puppets. Wow, the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen. Oh, and in the bathroom and the bedrooms, too.
Hal: Malcolm, is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found?
Malcolm: Well... Yes. Right there.
Hal: Right here?
Malcolm: That's where they all begged for mercy. [Hal whimpers]

Ben: Nice to be home.
Leslie Knope: It is. But I mean, I love Pawnee, I will always love Pawnee, but London is amazing. And Silkeborg sounds amazing, and Mongolia sounds amazing.
Ben: Their mayor is a professional wolverine Wrangler.
Leslie Knope: Fine, Mongolia sounds terrifying, but the world is a very big place, and I've seen very little of it. Maybe we should travel more, expand our horizons.
Ben: You know, I've had the same kinds of thoughts. We should keep that in mind, see where it leads us.

Luke: What are they doing to you, Dad?
Phil: I have a little scratchy rock inside of me and they're sliding in a tube and sucking it out.
Luke: You're not scared, are you?
Phil: When was the last time you saw your old man scared?
Luke: When you walked through the spiderweb. When we were playing with the Ouija board and the wind blew the door shut.
Phil: There was no wind, buddy. We brought something forth. Oh. This stuff's really hitting me. My insides feel like velvet.

Jim: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early because we wanted to spend the night in the city.
Michael Scott: Why, so you can do it?
Jim: Whoops.
Michael Scott: No, well, I was thinking that, actually, we can all leave tomorrow and do a convoy, you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger. Moon each other.
Jim: Uh. We're going to go tonight, but we're going to see you there tomorrow morning, right?
Michael Scott: All right. All right. Your loss.
Karen: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael Scott: Cruise control.
Karen: Oh.

Dorothy: Why are you getting so upset? Blanche, you see older men with younger women all the time. I mean, it's very common. Look at John Derek and Ursula Andress. John Derek and Linda Evans. John Derek and Bo Derek. You know, maybe it's not so common. Maybe it's just one guy who gets around.

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look, you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Barney: Training for a marathon. [scoffs]
Marshall: What?
Barney: You don't need to train for a marathon. You just run it.
Lily: You're kidding, right?
Barney: Not at all. I could run a marathon anytime I wanted to.
Marshall: So like tomorrow, you think you could wake up, roll out of bed, and just run the New York City Marathon?
Barney: Absolutely.
Robin: Barney, we're talking about 42 kilometers.
Ted: Thanks, Canada. I'll take it from here. Barney, it's like 26 miles.
Barney: Here's how you run a marathon. Step one, you start running. There is no step two.

Michael Scott: I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. I actually hung this on the wall myself.
Jim: That's good.
Michael Scott: I wanna show you something. A lot of people in the room, you need more space voila. Right into the wall.
Jim: Wow.
Michael Scott: Sometimes, I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it. I love this TV.

Fred: You know, Phil, it sounds to me like you don't think my town is good enough for you and your ritzy friends.
Will: Hey, man, why you ain't tell me you invited the Ritzy's?
Philip: Fred, let me simplify this for you. Now, ha, ha, if flying out here is a problem for you and your guests don't worry about it, it's on me.
Fred: I'm gonna be on you too if you keep throwing your money in my face, you fat cat.
Will: Okay. Ding, ding, ding! All sumo wrestlers to the showers!
Fred: I'll have you know, I put $10,000 aside for this wedding.
Philip: Oh, please, that wouldn't even cover the invitations.
Will: Okay, okay. [singing] Kumbaya, my lord Everybody! [singing] Kumbaya

Pam: So, okay, I'm watching the movie, by myself.
Jim: Right.
Pam: Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: And I'm freaking out.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: That movie is so scary.
Jim: I know.
Pam: But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
Jim: No way! How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
Pam: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.
Jim: No, you're making this up.
Pam: Would I make that up?
Jim: Yes. Fancy new Beesly would make that up. New apartment, new stories...