Frankie: [v.o.] The world has seen some great homecomings... Soldiers returning from war, astronauts returning from space, and Sue returning from college after 17 days.
Sue: [screams] I'm home! I missed you guys so much!
Mike: No one's ever been this excited to come into this house.
Frankie: [chuckles] Hi, honey.
Sue: Oh! And Brick! Oh, I am so happy to see you. There's a girl in my playwriting club who had a twin brother at birth who was just this cluster of cells. He was like a tennis ball attached to her shoulder. And she says ever since they had it removed, she feels like something is missing. And it made me appreciate how lucky I am to have you.
Brick: It's your turn to empty the dishwasher.
Sue: Oh! Oh! It is so much smaller than I remember. [gasps] The sink, the window!
Brick: Don't forget the dishwasher.
Sue: And the cabinet! Mm! Remember how this one always used to come off its hinge and hit me in the head when I opened it? [cabinet door hits Sue] Oh! [gasps] You moved the toaster? I like it.
Frankie: I call it my kitchen remodel.

Frankie: You know what you should do is, get the word out to women that this is a great way to get Dads to change diapers. I've been to showers with lots of women.
Rusty: Oh, that is hot.
Frankie: Baby showers.
Rusty: Oh, that's... that's gross.

Frankie: Hey, how's your roommate situation?
Sue: Oh, much better. I think Holly just needed to get to know me. Where are my doughnuts?
Frankie: What?
Sue: My doughnuts. When Axl came home for the first time, you had doughnuts for him.
[Frankie clears her throat as she takes the Pop-Tart that Brick was about to take and hands it to Sue]
Sue: Aw. [chuckles] Ah. Toaster's not there anymore. [chuckles] That one is gonna take some getting used to. Oh. I have been away for way too long. I just need to come home sooner next time.
Mike: I don't think you could.
Sue: Okay, I am gonna go put my stuff away. I have so much planned. I'm gonna go see Brad, stop by Spudsy's. But don't worry. I am still gonna make plenty of time for family! [o.s.] Oh, my God! My room! Why is the old fax machine on my bed?
Frankie: I'll move it! Oh, and the dog's sleeping in your closet now.

Axl: This is ridiculous! I am an adult! Mom, make him give me the keys!
Frankie: Are you kidding me? I don't even want your Dad riding it. God forbid if something should happen to him, I could get over it. If something happened to you, I would never get over it. [off Mike's look] What? I said, "God forbid."

Frankie: [v.o.] Okay, big man, the sooner you say no, the sooner we have pie and the sooner I watch Wife Swap and have more pie.
Mike: [to Rusty] It's actually pretty clever.
Frankie: [v.o.] Huh?
Mike: Are you sure no one's ever done that?
Frankie: [v.o.] Why is he asking questions?
Rusty: I've never seen it.
Frankie: [v.o.] What's happening?
Mike: What about the ink inside the diaper? Does it run?
Rusty: I've tested it myself. Let's leave it at that. What I'm saying is I wore it.
Mike: I think you're on to something this time, Rusty. It's a really solid idea.
Frankie: [v.o.] Look at me. Look at me right now. Look at me now!

Axl: There's got to be something you want to do that Mom and Dad won't let you.
Brick: Well, I would like to walk home from the library at night by myself.
Axl: Of course you would. What 13-year-old loser wouldn't? It's outrageous they won't let you do that.
Brick: In their defense, I did get lost the one time they did.

Frankie: So, Rusty, right? Pfft.
Mike: I know, right?
Frankie: What is your "right"? 'Cause my "right" is he's a nutbar.
Mike: Oh, he's a nutbar, but the idea's not half bad.
Frankie: Oh, my God. What? This is the guy who brought you Uni-bra... "Push two boobs into one."
Mike: I thought it was Uni-bra... "Now you don't have to pick your favorite."
Frankie: And this is who you want to get into business with?
Mike: Look, I know my brother's ideas are nutty, but he landed on a good one. The monkey finally typed a sentence.
Frankie: That's no reason to invest in a monkey. Would you tell me what's going on? Is it a midlife crisis? The Hawaiian shirt, the motorcycle, and now this. And if the next thing is a hot, young blonde, I just want to know so I can stop putting in the effort. [off Mike's look] Yeah, that's right. This is me trying.

Mike: It's not a midlife crisis. I'm just looking for something... I don't know, different. I've been doing the same thing for 25 years... Same job, same coffee, same car, same shirt.
Frankie: Well, so try for a different job?
Mike: I did. I went out for regional manager.
Frankie: What? You did? Why didn't you tell me?
Mike: I didn't want to say anything in case I didn't get it. And I didn't get it. [Frankie sighs] Look, Frankie, I'm not stupid. I'm not gonna invest all our money or... or quit my job. I just... I think there's something with this idea. And how many other chances are gonna come along?
Frankie: [sighs] You know what? If it's really important to you, you should do it. I support you completely.
Frankie: [v.o.] I don't.

Sue: You don't understand. I had to get out of my dorm. My roommate situation is hell on Earth.
Brad: Language.
Sue: She's changed me, Brad.
Brad: What's she doing that's so bad?
Sue: [groans] You have no idea! Holly is mean and selfish. She wears my shower shoes even though they are clearly marked "Sue." She's pessimistic, and she has her boyfriend over all the time, and they do stuff right in front of me!
Brad: Oh! Tacky.
Sue: They took my bed so they could make one giant one. I had to sleep in my desk chair, and it has wheels. I was always waking up on the other side of the room, and that is way more disconcerting than you think. It just seemed better to stay in my car.

Brad: Sue, you have to tell your parents.
Sue: No, no. I am in college now. I can't just go running to my mommy and daddy to fix things. I have to handle this Holly thing on my own.
Brad: How?
Sue: Well, I think by living in my car, I am sending a pretty strong message.
Brad: [gasps] I have a better idea. If she's gonna be in your face with her boyfriend, you're gonna be in her face with your boyfriend.
Sue: I don't have a boyfriend.
Brad: [chuckles] You do now, girlfriend. [snaps fingers]