Brick: I don't know. I'm a little concerned about safety here.
Axl: Were the astronauts concerned about safety when they flew to the Moon?
Brick: Presumably, yes.

Mike: We don't have to stick to just sports. It works with any rivals. You could do dogs and cats, Republicans and Democrats.
Rusty: Pope and Anti-Pope.
Mike: I'm not sure the Pope has a natural enemy.
Rusty: How about a bobcat?
Mike: Hmm. I don't think so.
Rusty: If you have a bobcat, you know he's going after a pope if he has the chance. And vicey-versey. [Mike gives Rusty an exasperated shrug] Should we press pause on the diapers and really focus on this Pope v. Bobcat stuff?
Mike: Let's get this going and then maybe look at that farther down the line.
Rusty: Yeah. The thing is, this Pope/bobcat thing is itching at my brain. And in my experience, that means bub's a winner.
Mike: I'm not angry, but I-I need you to not say "bobcat" again.

Brick: I don't get why you're going to all this trouble for a motorcycle.
Axl: This is not just about the motorcycle. This is about us having the right to do all the things Mom and Dad don't let us do. I am paving the way for future freedoms. I did not sit through the first five minutes of Selma when I meant to see Horrible Bosses 2 for nothing. Would Oprah have signed on to play Selma if it wasn't a character she thought spoke for something she believed in? If I can't take a shot to the junk for something I believe in, why am I even here?

Frankie: [v.o.] Even unannounced, it's always nice to have family home. Well, sometimes.
Mike: So, Rusty, what brings you by?
Rusty: Well, I suppose you're wondering what brings me by.
Mike: Yes, that's...
Rusty: I've got a business opportunity, and I want to get my big brother in on the ground floor.
Mike: Well, I appreciate you thinking about me, Rusty, but, uh, I didn't really get your last idea.
Rusty: Oh, pancake cup? It was a coffee mug made out of pancakes. When you finish drinking it, you just ate the cup. But Mike pointed out that pancakes don't hold liquid on account of they're made mostly out of pancakes.
Mike: Fatal flaw.

Rusty: So, uh, I want to let you in on this idea. You know, it wouldn't feel right to be a billionaire while you guys live like this. [chuckles]
Frankie: Well, the thing is, all our discretionary money has recently gone to a motorcycle and a possible upcoming hospital visit, so it's probably not for us.
Rusty: Well, what I'm looking for is, uh, brainstorming help, and Mike's my man. So... [Rust takes a diaper out of his briefcase] What color do you think the private jet should be? [chuckles]
Mike: Rusty, disposable diapers have been around awhile.
Rusty: Wait for it. [Rusty turns the diaper around to reveal a Michigan football logo on the front]
Mike: I've seen stuff with logos on them.
Rusty: Wait for it. [Rusty opens the diaper to reveal an Ohio football logo inside] You see? You root for your team on the outside and you poop on your rival's team on the inside. I call it Li'I Rivals. And the best part is, you're teaching your kids to hate early.

Brick: What are you doing?
Axl: I'm gonna shoot a tennis ball out of a tailpipe into my sweet spot tomorrow. Got to protect the twins. Ah. Eh. Got to be careful down there. Got my gene pool to think about. Got to balance out the circus freaks you and Sue are gonna produce, 'cause even if you two do marry non-circus freaks, the circus-freak gene, as you know, is dominant.
Brick: If the circus-freak gene were dominant, you'd be one, also. We come from the same parents.
Axl: Wow. Sounds like the nerd gene is dominant, too.
Brick: Actually, if the nerd gene were dominant...
Axl: No one wants a science lesson now, Brick!

Sue: Hey, I heard there's new Shrubs outside Arby's. Let's go check them out. Ooh!
Brad: Oh, my car's not working. And when my Dad tried to teach me how to change the oil, it did not go well. Let's take your car.
Sue: No, no, no, no, no! Let's just walk. I don't think I have any gas.
Brad: It looks like you moved in here.
Sue: [laughs]
Brad: That's a stage laugh, Sue. I'm gonna look in the glove box now. If there are toiletries in there, you and I are gonna have a very serious conversation. Oh, my God, Sue! You're living in your car! And breaking out!

Frankie: [v.o.] I decided this was happening, so I might as well be the supportive wife, a process made easier with a large tumbler of Aunt Edie's creme de menthe.
Mike: Who are we marketing to? Who's gonna buy these diapers?
Rusty: Duh. Babies.

Sue: Hey, I mean, it's not so bad. It's only 134 days till Summer. And hey, maybe by next year she'll have a baby and they'll put her in married housing.
Brad: [scoffs] I'm so sorry, Sue.
Sue: For what?
Brad: For that train wreck of a performance. It's all my fault. I haven't been in a play in months. I'm just not working that muscle. First thing I'm gonna do when I get home is go straight to Pizza Hut and reconnect with my old acting coach.
Sue: Brad, you have nothing to apologize for. You were amazing. You were a great fake boyfriend. And an even better friend.
Brad: [chuckles] Listen, Sue, there's something... I want to tell you. [sighs] I...
Sue: Brad. I know.
Brad: [chuckles] [they hug] [Brad sighs]

Brad: Oh, look at your hair! Verbal comment... love it. How's school? Tell me everything.
Sue: No, no, no! I want to hear about you! How's Americorps?
Brad: Fantastic. They're paying me to work at this great nonprofit. Last week, I built a house! And once we fix homelessness, I have this great idea for seniors I call "Memory Recovery through Tap."