Blanche: Well, I know just how Dorothy feels. When I was young girl, I witnessed a horse theft on my Grandaddy's plantation. Well, I screamed for help. My Grandaddy jumped up on his stallion and rode that horse thief down. And then, to teach me a lesson about the justice system, Grandaddy dragged that horse thief into court, with me as the star witness. I had to testify in front of a packed courtroom.
Rose: You must have been terrified.
Blanche: Oh, honey, I was. I didn't know what to wear. I only had two dresses with me. One bright one, suitable for weddings or a cotillion, and one darker one, more suitable for funerals or a hanging.
Dorothy: Blanche, see, my folks were poor. I just had one of those reversible hanging/cotillion dresses.
Blanche: Well, I picked the bright one. Now, when I took the stand, a hush fell over that courtroom. I told the judge exactly what I'd seen, and after my testimony, that horse thief's fate was sealed. Justice won the day!
Dorothy: Blanche, what the hell has that got to do with what's going on now?
Blanche: Well, like any good story, mine was deliberately ambiguous, thus affording the listener the opportunity to glean from it whatever he may. Besides, I just hate it when I'm left out of conversations.

Blanche: Oh, that's a great idea! I just love surprise parties. I remember, every year on my birthday, George would take me to the Country Club. And every year, he would say would just have a nice, quiet little dinner. Then we'd walk into the dining room and the lights would go on, and our friends, all from the finest families, would yell, "Surprise!" And every year I'd pretend to be surprised. It always made George so happy.
Dorothy: Good Lord, how could you fake it every year?
Blanche: Well, Dorothy, when we were first married, I faked it three times a week. That always made George happy, too.

Rose: I've only been to one surprise party in my life, but I'll never forget it. It was for Grandma Nylund's 100th birthday. She was from a whaling village in the old country, so we kind of made that the theme of the party. We all dressed as Vikings, with helmets and spears. And we all crowded into her little room up over the barn, and she walked in and lit a candle. And we yelled, "Surprise!" And she dropped dead right there. We all thought that was such a nice way to go.

Rose: For one week I am going to be your personal videnfrogen.
Blanche: Can one woman do that for another?
Dorothy: Only if they're the same height. What the hell is a weedenfrurgen?
Rose: Videnfrogen. It's a personal servant. It's the only way to make up for something like this. Oh, we've done it in my family for years. Ever since Uncle Ben lost Lars Olsen's artificial leg. It was the day of the big four-county toboggan race, and without his leg, Lars came in dead last. Oh, that was a day to remember.
Dorothy: I think every American remembers where he was the day Lars lost that toboggan race.
Rose: Well, Uncle Ben felt just terrible. I mean, he tried to make it up to Lars and Lars said he forgave him, but you could tell there were still hard feelings. Lars kept trying to run Ben down with his bicycle. But with only one leg, I mean how fast-
Dorothy, Blanche & Rose: Could he pedal?
Rose: Well, finally, Uncle Ben suggested something to clear the air once and for all. For one week, he would be Lars's personal videnfrogen, and do whatever Lars wanted. Lars agreed, and it worked. I mean, it always works. So, Blanche, won't you give it a try?

Dorothy: OK, girls. Let's go.
Rose: Good.
Dorothy: Blanche!
Blanche: Dorothy, I just can't take my eyes off that man's body. I want to see more.
Dorothy: He is covered with oil, wearing a loincloth. How much more can you see?
Blanche: I don't know, but I'm going down front and find out.

Blanche: Girls, how does this dress look on me?
Sophia: What's the difference? In half an hour, it'll be crumbled on the floor next to an empty bottle of Jack Daniel's.

Rose: Hi, Mario. How about a nice snack?
Mario: Sure. I'm starving.
Rose: How about a herring salad sandwich on raisin bread?
Mario: Oh, wow. I'm gonna miss my bus.

Sophia: Now I know why they say lying out in the sun is dangerous.
Rose: Oh, Sophia, we've only been out here for... a little while. I don't think at your age you need to worry about wrinkles.
Sophia: Who's talking about wrinkles? I can't get up. My butt is stuck to the chair.

Sophia: The President is in town, so a bunch of us are going to his hotel to see his wife. I just loved her in Father Knows Best.
Rose: Sophia, you're a little confused, honey. That was Jane Wyatt. The President was married to Jane Wyman.
Sophia: That old crow from Falcon Crest?
Rose: Well, it doesn't matter, they're not married anymore. Now he's married to Nancy Davis.
Sophia: From All About Eve?
Rose: That's Bette Davis.
Sophia: The one who beat her kids with wire hangers?
Rose: No, that was Joan Crawford.
Sophia: The fat cop from Highway Patrol?
Rose: That was Broderick Crawford.
Sophia: The President was married to Broderick Crawford? And Mondale still lost? What an idiot!

Blanche: So, what are you all doing?
Dorothy: Algebra.
Mario: Why do I have to learn that?
Dorothy: Because I had to learn to teach it!