Hyde: Hey, man, Red's been spot-checking my room again. I can't believe he still doesn't trust me. You know, that really hurts, man. I'm gonna need you to hide my stash.
Eric: Sure. I'll put it in my dresser under my Hong Kong Phooey socks. He can protect anything, because he's faster than the human eye.

Fez: Guys, I would like you to meet Point Place's new foreign exchange student, Thomas.
Eric: Hey. What's up?
Thomas: Hello, pretty lady with eyes like the sea.
Donna: No. Which sea?
Fez: Okay, easy there, Casa-new-guy. [chuckles] I'm showing Thomas the ropes.

Thomas: [to a passing girl] Hello.
Fez: What, are you crazy? That's Nicole Mayzell. She's way out of our league.
Thomas: Oh. Then we must be in different leagues because I just had sex with her last night.
Hyde: Oh-ho-ho! New foreign guy: uno. Old foreign guy: nada.
Fez: This is outrageous! The closest I have come to sex was when the football team pinned me down in the shower and made me kiss my own ass!
Eric: Hey, um, if you think that's close to sex then you're gonna be delighted with actual sex.

Red: Oh, I'm out.
Kitty: Out? I am home one night this week, and you're out?
Red: Hey, don't look at me. You had a whole bag of 'em, and you wasted 'em on Eric! He's probably down there making balloon animals.
Kitty: Well... I guess we'll just sleep.
Red: Well, couldn't we just, uh... You know, I mean, really, what are the chances?
Kitty: [gasps] We could have a change-of-life baby!
Red: Oh, crap. I'll be right back.

[As Red searches in Eric's drawers for a condom, Eric and Hyde walk into the bedroom:]
Red: It's late. We'll talk about this tomorrow. [exits]
Eric: Oh, my God. My sock drawer. I'm dead! He found your stash! Do you know what this means?
Hyde: Yeah. I get your room, and you get sent to military school.

Eric: Psst. Mom. Is Dad around?
Kitty: No, I think he's upstairs.
[Eric runs into the kitchen, picks up a glass of orange juice and grabs a boiled egg]
Eric: Hot! Hot, hot, hot, hot! Love you, Mom. Thanks for breakfast. See you tonight. Bye.

Red: Psst! Kitty, Eric around?
Kitty: No. He just left.
Red: Perfect!
Kitty: Red, this is just silly. You can't avoid Eric forever.
Red: I know that.
Kitty: Well, good.
Red: I just have to avoid him till he goes to college. What's that, like, a year? I can do that.

Jackie: Michael, I'm broke. I had to buy generic hair conditioner. And now, I have split ends.
Kelso: Oh, no one is gonna notice that, baby. They'll all be looking at that monster zit.
Jackie: I have to ration my cover-up. So find a job already!
Kelso: I'm tryin', okay? It's tough out there. I just had an interview at that new store in the mall, the Cheese Palace.
Donna: Where curd is king?
Kelso: The very same. They're hiring a new cheese maiden, you know, to hand out the samples. But I didn't get the job 'cause they want a girl.
Donna: But you're pretty like a girl.
Kelso: Thank you!

Kelso: But the manager wants an actual girl. You know, with boobs and stuff.
Donna: Hey, you know who's an actual girl with boobs and stuff?
Jackie: Oh, Donna, you don't have to get a job just for me.
Donna: I was talking about you, pimple chin.
Jackie: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I am not getting a job. A job is for poor people. I am a rich person who doesn't have money. Big diff.
Kelso: Hey, is that a blackhead?
Jackie: [screams] No!
[cut to Jackie in the mall dressed as a cheese maiden:]
Jackie: Cheddar? Cheddar? Cheddar?

Jackie: Look, Michael the only reason I have this job is so that you and I can be together. All you've done for our love is sit in a basement eating Fritos.
Kelso: Well, for your information if I send in 80 empty Frito bags, I get a free remote-control car, which I was gonna give to you after I played with it only a little. Now, that is love!