Thomas: Oh, the football team loves me. I'm their new placekicker.
Fez: What? Oh, the room is spinning! How did you do all this?
Thomas: I have delightful accent.
Fez: So do I.
Thomas: Yes, but a nerd with an accent is still a nerd. Now, good day, sir.
Fez: [scoffs] I say "good day." Now, good day.
Thomas: Good day.
Fez: Good day.
Both: I said good day! [Thomas walks away]
Fez: He stole that from me.
Eric: But, Fez-
Fez: I said from me!

Eric: This is freaky, man. Red hasn't said anything about the stash, which can only mean he's gone to the much-feared stage: beyond yelling. He's gone Darth Vader, man.
Kelso: Or instead of Red snagging you, maybe you snagged Red dipping into Hyde's stash. I'm just sayin', everyone's tryin' it.
[fantasy: circle:]
Hyde: I guess Kelso's right. Everyone is trying it.
Red: I'm telling you, this stuff isn't just for cakes. It's great all by itself. [squirts cream into mouth] Mmm! Wait, wait. Watch this. [squirts cream onto head] Look at me. I'm Whipped-cream Head! Fear me! All fear Whipped-cream Head! [sinister laugh] Mmm!
[reality:]
Eric: Kelso, that was delightful. But the only part you left out is where Red kills me!

[As they eat breakfast at the kitchen table, Eric and Red both stick their fork in the last waffle]
Eric: Hey. L'Eggo my Eggo.
Red: Hey. L'Eggo my foot in your ass.

Jackie: My dad thinks you're a bad influence on me, so I kept our love a secret. And now, I have to decide between you and money.
Eric: Gosh. It's like Sophie's Choice for morons.
Donna: Hey, let's take a poll. Who thinks Sophie should keep Kelso? [no hands go up] The money? [Eric, Donna and Hyde raise their hands] Ooh!
Jackie: You guys, this isn't a joke.
Hyde: But it's funny like a joke.
Jackie: How do I choose between something that makes my whole life complete and you?
Kelso: Well, I don't know, baby, but I love you.
Jackie: Oh, Michael, I love you too. Okay, I choose love. I choose love.
Kelso: Aw.
Jackie: Yeah, aw! Okay. Now get a job, because I need a ton of money.

Fez: Look at that foreign bastard... cracking up the whores.
Hyde: Checking the score. Old foreign guy: nada. New foreign guy: dos.
Fez: Hey, if I pretend to say something funny, will you laugh?
Hyde: No.
Fez: That Thomas is shady. But have you noticed he never says what country he's from?
Hyde: What country are you from?
Fez: What country are you from?
Hyde: America.
Fez: Fine. Mystery solved.

Jackie: I know in orientation we talked about theft in the workplace, so I would like to report a theft from my check. Now, I don't know who FICA is but that bitch stole, like, 10% of my money. Also, now, I don't know if you have this key in your typewriter, but when I write "Jackie," I like to dot my "I" with a smiley face. Also, now, I put this in the suggestion box, but- You have something hanging from your nose. Oh, and I want Saturday off. Thank you. Bye.

Kitty: Oh. Good morning. Oh, here, honey. I brought you something back from the hospital. A lollipop.
Eric: Mom, I'm 17 years old.
Kitty: Which is why I also brought you condoms. [Red and Eric groan] Well, see, we had a teenage mom come in, and it's just... Well, you know, I worry about you.
Eric: That I'll get pregnant? You're not a good nurse.
Kitty: Now, don't be a porky mouth. Oh. Here. Sexual health pamphlets. [Red and Eric groan] I just want you to know that intercourse is a responsibility, not just a right.
Eric: Okay, well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.
Kitty: Oh, uh, don't forget your condoms.
Eric: I was wrong!

Red: Eric caught me stealing his... things.
Kitty: [laughs]
Red: That's not funny. I'm a grown man. I don't go rummaging around in teenage boys' drawers looking for... things.
Kitty: Condoms.
Red: That word is forbidden!
Kitty: Okay. Good night. [in Red's ear] Condoms.
Red: Quit it!

Jackie: Try the Swiss. You can't miss. Try the cheddar. It's even better.
Hyde: The floor's real shiny, and I see your heinie.
Jackie: Oh!
Hyde: Hey, the cheese maiden hit me. Cheese guards, seize her.
Jackie: My God, this job is awful!
Donna: Are you sweating? I mean, is work making you sweat?
Jackie: No. I'm glistening! It's glisten!

Kitty: Okay, okay. We are just gonna clear the air. Right now. Now, Eric, the other night your father and I were getting intimate... [Red and Eric groan] And we realized we didn't have any protection.
Red: For hugging. We just... We hug.
Kitty: So your dad went to your room looking for one of those condoms I gave you and you caught him, and he has just been so embarrassed ever since.
Eric: Condoms? Oh! Condoms.
Red: Yeah, condoms. What did you think it was?
Eric: ... What did you think it was?
Red & Kitty: What did you do?
Eric: What did you do? I-I didn't do anything. Okay? You stole condoms! Get him, Mom.
Red: You're grounded.
Kitty: For a week.
Red: Hyde too. Whatever was in that drawer that you didn't want me to see, I'm sure it was his.
Eric: Fine. No complaints here. Thank you. [exits]
Kitty: You suppose there was actually something in that drawer he didn't want us to see?
Red: Who cares?