J.D.: Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. Oh, good. He's not here. Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: It's time. Sit down. Now, what do you want me to say? That you're great? That you're raising the bar for interns everywhere?
J.D.: I'm cool with that.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not gonna say that. You're OK. You might be better than that some day. But right now all I see is a guy who's so worried about what everybody thinks of him that he has no real belief in himself. I mean, did you even wonder why I told you to do your own evaluation?
J.D.: I can't think of a safe answer, I just figured-
Dr. Cox: Clam up! I wanted you to think about yourself. And I mean really think. What are you good at? What do you suck at? And then I wanted you to put it down on paper, and not so I could see it, and not so anybody else could see it, but so that you could see it. Because ultimately, you don't have to answer to me, you don't have to answer to Kelso, you don't even have to answer to your patients, for God's sake. You only have to answer to one guy, Newbie, and that's you! There... you are evaluated. Get the hell outta my sight. You, honest to God, get me so angry I'm afraid I might hurt myself.

[fantasy scene:]
J.D.: Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you, sir.

Anchorwoman: We're almost ready. Is there anything you wanna say before we get started?
[fantasy: J.D. does the interview dressed as a professional wrestler:]
J.D.: Yeah, I've got something to say to Dr. Cox. I'm gonna give you the best damn evaluation that you ever did see. And this Friday, at the Steel Cage Medi-Slam, I'm gonna give you a physical you ain't never gonna forget.
I'm gonna probe ya, 'cause I'm The Intern.
[reality:]
Anchorwoman: Nothing. OK, I'll be right back.

Turk: Listen, if Dr. Kelso wants me to be a role model for the community because I'm a great doctor, then that's great and I will sign on the dotted line. But that's not what this is about. All my life I've been singled out because I'm black.
[flashback to young Turk winning a school science fair:]
Young Turk: But I didn't even enter the contest!
Man: Smile for the picture.
[present:]
Turk: Remember our college brochure?
J.D.: So what? They put you on the cover.
Turk: Twice?!

Elliot: Why are you worried? With the hero thing, whoever evaluates you will give you a gold star.
[flashback:]
Dr. Cox: Listen, Supergirl. I'm gonna break you into so many pieces that my grandmother, who can do a 1,000-piece puzzle in an hour, will never be able to put you back together, even if she goes go back in time to when her vision was perfect.
[present:]
J.D.: Somehow I doubt it.

J.D.: Did you lose something?
Janitor: No, why? Did you take something?
J.D.: No.
Janitor: What'd you take?
J.D.: Nothing.
Janitor: What'd you take?

Ted: Sir, I've been the hospital's legal counsel for, well, let's just say, when I started, I had hair. And a wife and family. The point is, I'll never get a raise without support of senior staff like yourself.
Dr. Kelso: Can't do it.
Ted: Well, you did what you could.

Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn't Dr. Turk, the friendly face of Sacred Heart.
Turk: Yeah. Dr. Kelso, about these posters, they're kind of making me uncomfortable.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you felt that way. Well, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna leave them up.
Turk: I can live with that. Or I can sue you.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, you are an employee here. I can advertise however I wish. I can use your image, your name, I can manufacture tiny little Dr. Turk action figures. It'll cost $12.95 and when you pull the string, it says: "I don't like these posters!"

Dr. Cox: Isn't that right, Ted?
Ted: Definitely, sir. You'd certainly be vulnerable from a legal standpoint, however.
Dr. Kelso: How vulnerable?
Ted: Sir, that lawsuit would be over so quickly, I'd recommend you takecab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk will be driving your Beamer home to his place. [Turk laughs]
Dr. Kelso: Hippie.
Ted: God, that felt good.
Turk: Who's the man?
Ted: Is it me?
Turk: Damn right it's you. [goes to high-five Ted, who initially cowers]
Ted: Oh, right. It's me.

Dr. Cox: I would like to make special mention of one intern here, John Dorian. Smart kid, extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see in him 24 hours a day. He cares. Probably cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. Now, if you have any questions, well I could give a crap, I'm goin' home. You all get paid too much for doing nothing.