Phil: [aside to camera] Haley's dating this genius astrophysics professor who's somehow making her smarter because, last week, I called Pluto a planet and Haley laughed at me. In pity. Haley.
Claire: Haley.
Phil: Haley.

Claire: Do we think that Haley is suited to a professor, because I more saw her with a Gilligan type?
Phil: Come on, now. Lots of happy couples aren't the exact same level of smart.
Claire: That's true. We work.
Phil: Yeah. Wait. When you say, "We work," do you think you're smarter than me or I'm smarter than you?
Claire: I think I'm smart enough not to have this conversation.
Phil: Oh, my God! You do! You think you're smarter than me! Okay, hotshot. How many patents do you have? Headscratcher TM, Aspirin Gun, Polite Car Horn that'll put an end to road rage. [high-pitched] Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Gloria: Wow. Henry's dad did such a great job with the birthday party for the kids, huh? "Henry's dad".
Jay: "Henry's dad". I took Joe to see "African Queen" in CinemaScope.

Attendant: So, the float lasts for one hour, during which most people simply experience a deep, relaxed state.
Mitchell: Most people? W-What about the rest? W-What do they experience? Okay, a-are these scratches on this lid here?
Cameron: Oh, come on, Mitchell. The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.
Attendant: Very well put.
Mitchell: He didn't make that up. It's from "Mulan". Our daughter made us watch it a thousand times.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I tried to relax in there, I really did. But it was difficult. I-I guess because I felt like I was, um... Oh, what's the word? Dying. But I got past that, only to start reliving every mistake I have ever made, like when I went to an Oscar party and I said "Bett" Davis in front of a room full of vicious gays. Honestly, the only thing that kept me in there was the knowledge that Cam was right next door.

Doctor Randy: My apologies. We happen to be next door to the Royals.
Mitchell: [gasps] Oh, my God, we just binged "The Crown". W-W-Which royals? William and Kate? Harry and the "Suits" girl?
Doctor Randy: Actually, it's the Kansas City Royals. Spring training, their practice field is next door.
Cameron: [gasps]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Growing up a Royals fan, it was always my dream to see them at spring training. So, I just decided, after the retreat was over, I'm just gonna swing by, you know, grab an autograph, maybe whisper an opinion in the manager's ear, be discovered as a great baseball mind. Then the Yankees would come calling, and then I'd have to choose between the team I love and the the big payout. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Phil: Which have more chromosomes, potatoes or humans? Humans, right? Potatoes?! [laughs] Oh, Krazy Kups, what can't you teach us?

Luke: You must be the genius boyfriend.
Bill: That is what the guys call me. They're always, like, you know, "Hey, genius". I'm like, "Hey, guys".
Luke: So, tell me, are there aliens?
Bill: You kidding? 100%.
Luke: Oh, I knew it. Wait, and the zombiepocalypse?
Bill: Dude, I tell everyone, "Start building up an immunity to zombie bites. Now".
Luke: I'm so glad we talked.

Haley: Hey, where's Bill?
Alex: I don't know. He's probably outside. When he gets agitated, he likes to climb stuff. That lunch was insane. Can you believe Mom and Dad?
Haley: No, and, uh, I can't believe you either. You're so mean to Bill. What do you have against hot people? What did we ever do to you?
Alex: You lost me.
Haley: You're gonna blow it with that guy, and he's really nice. Why do you have to make him feel so dumb?
Alex: Okay, you don't know what you're talking about.
Haley: Oh, yes, I do. Because it's the same way you've always treated me. It sucks. You know what Arvin never does? Makes me feel less smart than him. So, who cares if Bill's not a member of Menses? Look, this is the first boyfriend you've ever had that is age appropriate, employed, and doesn't look like he's dying on a ship.

Jay: Arrgh! Ughh!
Gloria: What are you doing? I grunted less when I was giving birth to Joe.
Jay: You were pushing six and a half pounds, I'm pushing 220.
Gloria: You're dressing younger. You're exercising. You only had one breakfast this morning. Who is she, Jay? I'll kill her.