Claire: Clive Bixby, what a sexy surprise.
Phil: Quick question: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you- Uh, I'm gonna come in again.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: We are watching baby Joe on Valentine's day so my dad and Gloria can...
Phil: Make love.
Claire: Ew. Don't.
Phil: Oh.
Claire: The point is, we are celebrating a day early.
Phil: So they can finally be intimate.
Claire: You've more than made that point.
Phil: I'm just saying it's a long wait after giving birth. Six weeks.
Claire: Ugh.
Phil: I couldn't keep my hands off this one for that long. I can only imagine what Jay's going through.

Phil: [answering phone] Hello.
Claire: Hello. May I speak to Clive?
Phil: I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong number. Bye-bye.
Claire: [to Maitre 'D] No, uh I got disconnected. Would you mind redialing?
Phil: [answering phone] Hello.
Claire: Hello, Clive. This is Juliana.
Phil: Look, lady. Please stop calling me. This is-
Claire: No, no, no, no. No, Phil, Phil, Phil. Don't hang up.
Phil: Claire?
Claire: No, no, no. Not Claire. Juliana. And you're Clive Bixby. Remember? We met at the hotel bar last year.
Phil: Oh! Oh.
Claire: Now, make up some lie, ditch that wife of yours and meet me at our hotel in 30 minutes. You think you can manage that?
Phil: Baby doll, I've been lying to my wife for 16 years.

Phil: Clive Bixby. Can I meet you at Harry's bar in two minutes? Baby, I can do anything in two minutes. I'll just speed through the intersection of Greenleaf and Bristol. It's easy 'cause there's no stop sign.
Luke: I love being a kid. I have my whole life ahead of me.

Phil: First, we have a date with romance. A threesome, if you will.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: From here, we move on to an old-fashioned blimpnic.
Claire: Now is that the one where the man has to face out at the woman-
Phil: It's a picnic on a blimp. Champagne, cheese, and this beautiful city beneath us.
Claire: That actually sounds really romantic.
Phil: After that, we swap our earplugs for some earmuffs, and take a few moonlit turns around the local ice rink.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: From there, it's a quick trip back to the hotel, where-
Claire: I'm spinning.
Phil: Well, I wouldn't start with that, but, uh, we- We can work our way up to it.
Claire: No. I'm feeling really weird.
Phil: Catch that, Clive? Just tell me what you want. Juliana? Claire? One of you needs to answer me.

Claire: [on the phone] Hello, Clive. How close are you?
Phil: I am right outside your door.
Claire: Oh! Are you ready?
Phil: Oh, I'm ready.
Claire: I don't think you are, 'cause I can still hear your pants.
Phil: Well, maybe I should just shut them up.
Claire: I'll be out in a minute.
Phil: So will I.

Phil: Appletini?
Claire: It was. You're looking handsome as ever, Clive.
Phil: As are you, Juliana. You look hot enough to cook a pizza on... in.
Claire: I see the speaker business is treating you well.
Phil: I don't like to talk about money.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: But I have exactly $10 million.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: Minus the cost of your next drink. T- Two. Just two appletinis, please. Thank you so much.

Claire: [o.s.] Ooh, look. They have the good Q-tips. I'm gonna steal us a bunch.
Phil: I'm gonna miss Juliana. That lady knows where the bodies are buried.

Phil: Juliana. Juliana, wait.
Claire: No. Honestly, it is one minute to 12:00, Phil. Valentine's Day is over. I'm-
Phil: Not quite. I can't see you anymore.
Claire: What?
Phil: I can't believe I'm saying this because you're the most intoxicating woman a man could ever meet. But, by some cosmic miracle, there's a woman in that house that I still find as sexy and exciting as the first day I met her. I should probably let her know that more often than I do. That's my bad. Point is, a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.
Claire: Well, it sounds to me like she's the lucky one.

Claire: Clive, I love this id-
Phil: Shh. Save that energy, my dear. This hotel has a very short memory and a very long outdoor staircase.
Ben: Claire, you have to finish signing these contracts. Hey, Phil.
Phil: [chuckles] Phil? No. Name's Clive, friend. Say, maybe you could take over here for a bit. [clears throat] I'll make sure the boss lady's back in one piece no later than... [check watch] Oh, come on.
Margaret: Hi, Phil.
Ben: It's Clive, actually. Apparently they have a thing like how you and your sister go to those conventions dressed like stuffed animals.

Jay: [on the phone] I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this crap. I need help!
Phil: It's okay. Underneath it all, it's just you and your wife.
Jay: That's the problem. I don't know how I got her to begin with. And I'm starting to feel if I can't pull this off, she's gonna figure out she got duped the first time.
Phil: Let me start by saying "thank you" for being so vulnerable with me.
Jay: I hate you.
Phil: Also, I'm no expert at this, but I have a friend here who is. [as Clive] Clive Bixby here. How can I make your night sexier?
Jay: If I can't role-play with her, I'm not doin' it with you.
Phil: Whatevs, Daddio. I'm gonna give the phone back to Philip.