Reese: Hey! Hey, everybody! You can take us down, but first I have something to say. I realized something up here. This woman is beautiful, she's sexy, and perfect and gigantic, but you know what? She isn't real. If she was real, she'd be different. I know that if I was real, I'd want people to listen to me. I'd want people to care about what I think and not ignore me. I guess what these protesters are trying to say is, that women - real women - aren't that different from regular people. They want the same things that men want. Only men don't have to hold a big protest to get them. And women shouldn't have to either. [smattering of applause]

Reese: Couldn't you have gotten in trouble after Halloween?
Francis: Guys, I'm sorry. I know I let you down, but... I really didn't have a choice. I mean, the commandant's fake leg was just lying there in the closet begging for a novelty bumper sticker. It was a snap decision, but I really think I did the right thing.

[three months later:]
Hal: This is so nice. Reese is gone. Malcolm's off to Harvard. I don't know how you did it, but everything worked out exactly as planned. [a stunned Lois emerges from the bathroom] What's wrong?
[Hal screams as Lois holds up a positive pregnancy test]

Malcolm: Look, a dollar.
Reese: Oh, it's mine. [bends down] [Malcolm punches Reese's arm] Damn. I never fall for that amateur stuff.
Lois: Now, I am going to say this once and only once. We are with respectable people tonight. You are to be well mannered and act civilized, or so help me, I'll wring your little necks, you hear me? [Dewey's hand drips water]

Malcolm: Oh, this game is asinine!
Stevie: I thought... you liked it.
Malcolm: No, it's this idiotic programming! My family has turned out horrible! My mom finished law school and became a Supreme Court Justice, Reese is the King of China and my dad is a millionaire from his chain of auto-body shops.
Stevie: Why is Malcolm... sneaking Scotch... from the toilet tank?
Malcolm: He won't stop drinking. That's his second bottle since breakfast. I am so done with this game. No, I'm moving them all to Arkansas to become chicken farmers. That ought to level out the playing field.

Hal: Okay, gentlemen ready to roll?
Malcolm: Yeah, let's do it.
Reese: Let's roll already!
Dewey: Yeah, come on, Dad.
Hal: [starts engine] Seat belt... check. Map... check. Sunglasses... check. Lumbar pillow... check. Mirrors... check. Does that sound like a loose valve casing to you?
Boys: Dad!
Hal: All right. You boys will soon learn there's nothing wrong with being careful.
[As Hal backs out of the drive, the car hits one of the boys' bikes]

Francis: [on the phone] How did she die?
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Could you please put Mom or Dad on the phone.
Hal: [takes phone] Hello?
Francis: Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?
Hal: Cats ate her face. Well, here, Dewey knows more about it than I do.