Hal: I have Kobe beef.
Reese: No way.
Hal: Yes!
Reese: That's like $60 an ounce.
Hal: I know. I won it in a Minesweeper tournament at work. Years of practicing eight hours a day has finally paid off.

Hal: Hi, son. Didn't hear you drive up.
Malcolm: I decided to walk.
Hal: So, how's the job going?
Malcolm: They were jerks, so I quit.
Hal: Well, that's pretty much what work is. Welcome to the club.

Lois: Why are you pacing?
Hal: Let me ask you something, Lois. What would you do if, hypothetically, through a series of unforeseeable circumstances, you found yourself commanding an army of benevolent strongmen?
Lois: What?
Hal: Picture it. A dozen guys, any one of them can rip a horse in half, willing to follow your every command. Well, you'd have to do something really great with that. Something noble and unselfish, but not too expensive. And we are not even taking into account that I could easily be led to the dark side. Lois, you have to promise me, if you ever see me holding a cat and laughing maniacally over a globe, you need to let me know.

Lois: $90 for a toy?
Malcolm: It's not a toy. It's a robotics kit. You build a little mechanical rover. It teaches you about electronics and engineering.
Lois: Does it teach you to pick up your socks? That I'd be interested in.
Hal: Besides, son robots are evil.
Malcolm: What?!
Hal: Westworld, Terminator, the creepy maid from The Jetsons. How much scientific proof do you need?

Lois: Malcolm, Reese, get a move on! What on earth are you doing?
Malcolm: I have to practice being in a wheelchair.
Lois: Oh...
Hal: I suppose that makes sense. You never know. All it takes is one horrible accident, and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.
Malcolm: It's just for basketball.
Hal: That's the spirit.

Malcolm: Dad? I made coffee. You want some?
Hal: Oh, hi. I was just singing. Always have a song in your heart, son. Thanks. [sighs] You know what the worst thing is? I have always hated that job. I wanted to quit ten years ago when they started deducting for sick days. I wanted to quit a year ago when they started making us vacuum out our own cubicles. If I'd have done that, they would have found another patsy and I wouldn't have been in this mess. They should have just fired me. I mean, I was a terrible employee. I never read a memo, I came in late, I blew off Fridays. What the hell is wrong with those people? Just promise me that you'll learn from my mistakes. Don't ever settle, Malcolm.
Malcolm: I won't.
Hal: I'm going to go make love to your mother one last time.
Malcolm: [to camera] I probably wasn't going to sleep tonight anyway.

Dewey: Is that a bee?
Hal: That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much.
Dewey: Where did this come from?
Hal: Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the toolshed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine.
Dewey: You did it yourself? How'd you know how to do that?
Hal: It's instinctual. See, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison, you have to buy that.
Dewey: I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though.
Hal: It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading us on toast right now.

Malcolm: Dad, do something.
Hal: I got it.
[Hal flings a chunk of mashed potato and peas at Lois's face and then gasps]
Lois: What do you think you're doing?
Hal: I'm being cute and spontaneous? [Lois laughs]
[As the whole family laugh, Reese is still aiming his spoonful of mashed potato at Lois]
Lois: Don't do it.
Reese: I wasn't going to!
Malcolm: [to camera] Yep, this is a good dinner.

Lois: We are not getting through to him.
Hal: Well, what else can we do? We- We've taken away television, video games, his music, fresh air. Lois, we have taken away his air, and he doesn't care about any of it.
Lois: Well, we had better come up with something before he winds up being a problem for the state.
Hal: I don't know, maybe we should try something other than punishing him.
Lois: Like what?
Hal: Maybe Reese needs more attention. Positive attention. When I was his age, I always wanted someone there to talk to, to hang out with, be a role model.
Lois: Oh, Hal, I don't know.
Hal: Lois, that boy needs a father figure, and I really think it should be me.

Reese: Remember, Dad, you're picking me up from school to take me to the DMV.
Hal: I wouldn't miss it, son. [quietly to Lois] Dear God, what are we gonna do?
Lois: What can we do? He hasn't done anything wrong.
Hal: Oh, please, it's Reese! We just haven't looked hard enough.
Lois: Hal, we're gonna have to face it, that kid is gonna be mobile.
Hal: Reese surrounded by six thousand pounds of steel and 20 gallons of explosive fuel?! It's like giving a shark a sub-machine gun!