Hal: So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little community can use a school.
Dewey: Don't need it. Everyone's born smart.
Hal: Oh, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia.
Dewey: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.
Hal: Ah... a cannibal utopia. Interesting.

Dewey: Live, live, die. Live, live, live, live, die.
Hal: Hey, what happened to the judicial system presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?
Dewey: I had 'em lined up and shot.
Hal: Ah. You know, son, maybe you've been spending too much...
Dewey: Silence! Seize him!
Hal: All right, son, I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed.
Dewey: Dad! You're embarrassing me in front of my men.

Spangler: Please don't let me disturb you. Make yourselves at home. Wait a minute. This is not your home. This is not your mama's house. There's no maid here to clean up your toys, and, yet, as I look around this institution of learning, I see video games, I see girlie magazines. And I see Garth... Garth Vader defiling our Wall of Remembrance. [tears poster down with hook] Well, clearly things have gotten a little lax around here. I blame myself, but it is you who will suffer. From now on, there will be weekly inspections. And you will relinquish all non-standard-issue personal effects and artwork. It is time for you to learn that true happiness comes from within.
Francis: Is that why you're so happy, sir?
Spangler: I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl, Cadet.

Joe: Spangler's coming. Lose the plant.
Francis: Time has come. We're drawing the line. This is our Alamo. Well, that's a bad example, but you know what I mean.

Hal: I'm home.
Lois: Hi, honey. We're on our own tonight. I thought maybe we'd go out to dinner.
Hal: Where are the kids? [steps into the kitchen]
Lois: Malcolm's over at Stevie's. Reese has got hockey practice. Dewey's at Billy's... or one of the neighbor kids. So, we're on our own. What are you in the mood for?
[Hal returns to the living room naked]
Lois: That has got to be a new record.

Malcolm: [to camera] People are always asking our class to volunteer for stuff. They just assume we're social rejects with nothing better to do. It's true, I just don't like having it thrown in my face.

Meghan: So, our school needs a kid about your age to be in our school play. It'll be a lot of fun. The play is by a guy named William Shakespeare. He was a writer way back in the olden times.
Dabney: He was a syphilitic drunk fronting for the 14th Earl of Oxford.
Lloyd: Why can't you leave the Bard alone? So he didn't have the benefit of higher education. How many PhDs have written King Lear?

Malcolm: [to camera] Look at all these people. They're pierced, they're brooding. They're wearing weird clothes. They don't care about anything. It's like a room full of Francises.

Stevie: Did you just... giggle?
Malcolm: Stevie, what are you doing here?
Stevie: You missed... the meeting. You're jeopardi... zing... our project.
Malcolm: Great. See you in class.

Dabney: She's distracted. We have to do it now.
Lois: The program is running.
Eraserhead: Let's light this candle.
Stevie: Ignition... in... five... four... three... [Lloyd presses the trigger]
All: Yeah!