Hal: Hi, boys. [sits down] You don't know how lucky you are. Everything is new. Everything is open to you. Please, don't ever take that for granted. Make every moment the best you possibly can. God, I am so proud of all of you.
[Hal strokes the hair on the Halloween mask Malcolm put in his bed as a decoy]
Hal: You kids are the best thing I've ever done. You'll never know how much I love you. Maybe you're not supposed to. [sniffs] Sleep well, my little angels.
[Hal goes to kiss Reese and screams when he pops the balloon Reese placed in his bed as a decoy. Dewey screams when he wakes up face-to-face with Malcolm's Halloween mask. Both continue screaming]

Francis: Lavernia, I want to tell you something.
Lavernia: We'll talk at two.
Francis: I'm gonna tell you this right now. I hate your guts. You are the most horrible person I have ever met. You are mean, sadistic, twisted and spiteful. And I owe you an apology. Because what I said to you didn't have anything to do with that. It was just a cheap shot about your looks and you don't deserve that. No-one deserves that.
Lavernia: You're right. Thank you.
Francis: What the hell are we doing this for anyway? This isn't going to solve anything. We're just putting on a show for a bunch of slack-jawed idiots. I don't know if you think you have to prove something to them because you're a woman, but you don't. You came up here all alone and you built a successful business in this godawful place. You have accomplished plenty.
Lavernia: Oh, my God! You're coming on to me!
Francis: What?
Lavernia: Well, you better peddle your sugar to somebody else, cos this bee ain't buyin'.
Francis: What?!
Lavernia: The last thing I need is some young punk frolicking in my nethers.
Francis: You don't listen to- I try to talk to you- Ew!

Dewey: [to a hamster-shaped dust-bunny he constructed] Remember, if anyone at school asks, your name's Bernard. You like carrots and having your tummy scratched.

Reese: Mom. Dad. We have something to say.
Malcolm: We know why you've been crying so much lately. You don't have to protect us from this. We think getting a divorce is a great idea.
Lois: What?
Malcolm: You don't have to stay together for us. We've known for years your marriage was a sham.
Reese: I mean, clearly, your relationship isn't working. Mom, you need someone who's going to control you better, and Dad needs someone younger.
Malcolm: You both deserve some happiness. In fact, I think we all do.
Reese: Amen to that.
Malcolm: So I guess we should go to a motel with Dad or something?
Reese: Our bags are packed. And don't worry, Mom, you'll still be part of our lives. We'll see you every other weekend. And feel free to call us any time.
Lois: We've already discussed it. I get full custody.

Lois: How many times have I said don't track mud into this house?
Reese: We'll clean it up.
Lois: That's not good enough! You're grounded for a week!
Reese: What?
Malcolm: You can't do that! It's just some stupid footprints.
Lois: You want to be grounded for two weeks?
Malcolm: Dad!
Hal: You heard your mother.
Reese: This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm got mud on his shoes and thoughtlessly tracked it in into the house doesn't mean he should be grounded.
Lois: Go to your room now!
Malcolm: What's her problem?
Reese: Ugh, Mom and Dad. Their lives are so boring they have to invent stuff to be upset about.

Lavernia: Alright, college boy, you want it? You got it! I'm gonna kick your ass!
Francis: Excuse me?
Lavernia: I'm kickin' your ass. You don't ever disrespect me like that.
Eric: Francis, what are you doing? You can't challenge Lavernia to a fight.
Francis: I didn't challenge anybody.
Fittsy: Hey, Lavernie's fightin' college boy!
Dave: We've got an opening Sunday at two before Mass.
Lavernia: Sunday. Two o'clock. Your ass, my foot.
Francis: This is insane. There's no way I'm going to fight a woman!
Lavernia: If I don't mind, why should you?

Reese: This is crazy.
Lois: I have enough on my mind without worrying about you boys and your shenanigans!
Malcolm: But, Mom-
Lois: You boys are not leaving this room. I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear you. I don't want to so much sense your presence. [Reese is mimicking Lois] For crying out loud, Reese, there's a mirror right there! Believe me, I am going to watch that door like a hawk.

Lois: You can not keep the hamster. He belongs to the class.
Dewey: But he won't be safe.
Lois: Dewey, I know you take good care of him, but you have to share him with your friend.
Dewey: Lance is not my friend. He tore Billy's shirt off after school and- [phone rings]
Hal: [answers phone] Hello? Yes! This is he.
Dewey: He killed a frog and brought it to school and showed everybody.
Lois: Dewey, I said no! Do you want to be grounded like your brothers?
Dewey: No.

Malcolm: This was amazing! I made out with a sophomore. I am so far ahead of schedule.
Reese: Did you see the TV fly off the roof into the pool? That was me.
[Dewey's hamster wheel crosses the sidewalk after Malcolm and Reese walk onto the road]

Reese: Man, I hope we get grounded next weekend.
[Malcolm and Reese scream as they open their closet door and find Hal and Lois sitting on Reese's bed]