Dr. Goodwin: Uh, so, I guess I ask you questions, right? Okay. Well, tell me... who is Frankie Heck?
Frankie: Well, I'm warm and special and amazing and beautiful and lively.
Frankie: [v.o.] Oh, God. What was I thinking? I should never have listened to my mother's load of crap. Of course she said those things. She's my mother. I sound like an idiot.
Frankie: You know what? I don't know. I just don't know. You want one word to describe me? "Mom." There. That's it. I can get dressed in under 30 seconds. I can pull anything out of my bag without looking. You need a quarter? Got it. Protein bar? How about a pen? Blue or black? I can hold off creditors for months, I can listen to five conversations at the same time. Oh, and apparently, I'm a delight in a carpool. Okay. I suck. Good-bye. I'll let myself out.
Dr. Goodwin: Uh, uh, first of all, I love my mom. Moms are angels. Don't talk bad about moms. And I like that creditor thing. I used a lot of the government's money to go to school, and they kind of want it back.
Frankie: Oh. Really?
Dr. Goodwin: And how many kids did you say you have? 'Cause I see a lot of 'em here, and they're nasty.
Frankie: Oh, I have three wonderful children. They're really more like my best friends.
Dr. Goodwin: That's just like me and my mom. [sighs] This just feels right to me. And I don't want to talk to any more people. You're hired.
Frankie: Are you serious? Oh! Thank God! [hugs Dr. Goodwin] Oh. Ooh. Sorry. It's probably too soon to do that. Must have been that sip of wine I had before I came in.

Frankie: I didn't get the job.
Mike: Aw. Well, don't worry. You'll get 'em next time. Right?
Frankie: I'm not so sure, Mike. Apparently, in order to get a job, you have to know who you are.
Mike: Well, I know who you are. You're someone who needs a job.
Frankie: Well, that's not enough anymore. It's a whole thing now. You gotta be able to sell yourself. I wasn't even able to sell a car. How the Heck am I supposed to sell myself?
Brick: That's true. That is why you got fired.
Frankie: I was not fired, Brick. I was let-- ugh.

Brick: Actually, "lazy" and "tired" are kind of the same thing.
Axl: Yeah, but I still think she's more lazy than angry.
Brick: I don't know. If you call her on being lazy, she gets really angry.
Sue: Mm. That's not fair.
Frankie: Thank you.
Sue: She's only angry because she's getting older, nothing turned out like she wanted, and now at this late stage of her life, when she should be able to kick back and relax, she's stuck grabbing at her one last chance to try and make something of herself.

Darrin: So what's up?
Axl: Well, while you've been busy giving dorkyback rides, I've been out marketing our band, and guess what... I got us our first paying gig. Avert your eyes or risk being blinded by my awesomeness.
Darrin: You're kidding. That's great!
Axl: Now get ready, 'cause we are on a rocket ship to stardom. We are playing at the Orson Dollar Days!
Darrin: The one they do in the parking lot every year behind the shoe warehouse?
Axl: Not only that, but they're paying us $50, or 100 Dollar Day dollars. No expiration date, discount merchandise only, all sales, final, blah.
Darrin: This is awesome. Maybe I could use my cut to buy Sue those imitation Ugg boots she wants.
Axl: Yeah, I think Ugg boots would be the perfect gift for Sue. [off Darrin's look] What? They would.

Mike: Brick, what are you doing?
Brick: Oh, I'm earning my family life badge for Prairie Scouts.
Mike: You-- you're in Scouts? Since when?
Brick: Joined a couple weeks ago.
Mike: Did I not tell you?
Frankie: You did not.
Brick: Well, who did I tell?
Frankie: Well, I think it's great that you've joined something, Brick. But Scouts? Really?
Brick: I checked out an old handbook from the library, and I found it very appealing. And it has an interesting font: Menlo Bold. [whispers] Menlo Bold.

Frankie: Anyway, the whole way home, I'm thinkin', "I don't know. Do I even know who I am anymore?" I mean, okay, help me out here. Come on. Just give me something. If you had one word to describe me, what would it be?
Axl: [kids talk at once] Lazy.
Brick: Angry.
Sue: Tired.
Frankie: Hey, hey, hey. One at a time.
Axl: Lazy.
Brick: Angry.
Sue: Tired.

Axl: Wait. What about naggy?
Brick: Good answer.
Sue: Oh, good answer.
Brick: Very good answer.
Sue: Good answer.
Mike: Okay, that's enough. The reason your mom is tired, lazy, and irritable is 'cause of you guys.
Frankie: No one... said... irritable.
Mike: Okay, fine. You're not irritable.

Darrin: Uh, yeah. I've been thinking... our name sounds a little... '50s, or whatever.
Axl: What are you talking about?
Darrin: Well, Sue had an interesting idea.
Axl: [scoffs] Yeah. Okay.
Sue: Yeah. Well, we were hanging out, you know, and talking and stuff, and I thought maybe it did sound a little... blah. But then we thought what if it had all your names Darrin, Sean, Axl... Daseanax.
Axl: What?
Sean: Daseanax? Huh. That's actually pretty cool.
Axl: Oh, my God. In what universe? We are a brand Axl And The Axmen. And, yes, my name's on it. But I'm the one who started the band, I'm the one who got us this gig, and I was the one who was up all last night working on a new album cover!
Sue: No, you didn't. You watched Titanic with Mom and then you went to bed. I think he was crying. He cries a lot.

Frankie: Okay. If I'm at a social event, am I a "Party Princess", a "Solitary Suzy", or "In the corner, talking to the principal"?
Mike: What are you doing?
Frankie: Well, I'm still trying to figure out who I am. And Sue told me to go to kickinitteenstyle.com and take the personality quiz.
Mike: You're taking life advice from Sue? You've seen her life, right?
Frankie: I'm desperate, okay? All right. So... So who am I? Who am I? I... [snaps fingers] I... I... Ooh. I'm a good snapper. Seriously.

Axl: Okay. Checked the schedule. We're going on between the Fancy Feet "Gangnam Style" tap number and Itty Bitty Jujitsu. Whoo.
Darrin: Nice spot. Those Jujitsu kids are really good.
Sean: Are you sure about this, Axl? Guess I was expecting... I don't know, something a little more less sad.
Axl: Dude, every band's gotta pay their dues. This'll be a great story for Rolling Stone someday when we're kicking it in our mansions, trying to decide which Ferraris to take to go yachting. It'll humanize us.