Shawn: Thank you for these testimonials. A ruling has been reached. [everyone gathers] Oh, you want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are. [clears throat] Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person. The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth. She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
Michael: Oh!
Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.

[flashback:]
Eleanor: "Live every day like it's your last." [scoffs] Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.
Cashier: Ma'am? It's $132.21. So, big plans this weekend?
Eleanor: Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.

Eleanor: Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.
Janet: Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. [off Eleanor's look] Jason taught me about sexy things.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?
Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
Eleanor: Eh, some of those are right. [Jason and Janet high-five]

[flashback:]
Eleanor: Right, well, we don't have proof that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.
Betsy: Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.
Eleanor: Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.
Betsy: Oh, I know you've only worked here a few weeks, but we have this little office tradition where we all pitch in, and then we...
Eleanor: Yeah, no, I get it. It's just, I know what kind of cake I like. Plus, it's Lisa's birthday next week, and if I let you give me a cake, that means I gotta pitch in to get Lisa a cake and sing to her and wear one of those dumb hats you all are wearing right now. No, thanks. This way, I don't owe you anything, you don't owe me anything. Later.

Tahani: I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a... a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
Chidi: That's what you think hell is?
Tahani: Ugh.

Eleanor: Janet, please, we have to go.
Janet: I won't start the train until my husband says it's okay. I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged a ride-or-die protocol so I'm loyal to Jason forever.
Eleanor: Buddy... Come on, we gotta go.
Jason: I don't wanna go to the Bad Place. It's scary, like the movie Ratatouille.
Eleanor: What?
Jason: Yo, I ain't trying to have rats living in my hat and pulling my hair to get me to do stuff.

Jason: We don't have to go back, though. They just said.
Eleanor: We can't let Tahani and Chidi go to the Bad Place. They're our friends. We literally owe it to them.
Jason: If they're really our "friends," then why aren't they here with us right "now"?
Eleanor: Because we ran away. Are you... Does your brain work, actually? Do you have a functioning head?

Shawn: Eleanor was supposed to be in the Bad Place, arrived here by accident, assumed another person's identity, and has now escaped. Is that the whole story?
Michael: Well, no. Someone else was sent here by mistake. His name is Jason Mendoza, and I believe he's on the train with Eleanor.
Tahani: You knew about Jason?
Michael: Yes, I know that he's a fake and that he's married to Janet and that this entire neighborhood is... What's the human expression? Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd.

Shawn: I will deal with Jason Mendoza later. For now, I will hear your arguments for why Fake Eleanor Shellstrop should stay in the Good Place.
Tahani: We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right?

Mindy St. Claire: So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s. I only cared about making money and doing cocaine. And I was pretty crappy to my family as well. One night, I had an epiphany, right? I needed to do something good with my life. So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.
Eleanor: You were pretty coked-up, huh?
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high. It was so awesome. But... you're not gonna believe this... I followed through. Yeah, I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank, I withdrew my life savings, and I was gonna start that charity.
Eleanor: Good for you!
Mindy St. Claire: And then I immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third rail.
Eleanor: Ooh...
Mindy St. Claire: Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me... [chuckles] 'Cause I love cocaine. [laughs] Do you have any? I'm just... I shouldn't... Do you?
Eleanor: No.
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just... I was just kidding. It was just a joke. I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now? [long silence]