Adam: Father? Which do you like best? "Star Wars" or "Star Trek"?
Murray: Which is the one with the purple fish?
Adam: Neither of them have purple fish.
Murray: "Star Wars" has got the guy with the little feet, right?
Adam: I have no idea who you're talking about. Do you mean Yoda?
Murray: No.
Adam: Hammerhead?
Murray: No.
Adam: Jawas?
Murray: No! I'm talking about the one guy with the weird head.
Adam: You mean Jabba the Hutt?
Murray: No.
Adam: Greedo?
Murray: No.
Adam: Admiral Ackbar?
Murray: No.
Adam: Aunt Beru?
Murray: Aunt Beru?!
Adam: Gah! I can't do this right now! Jackie and I have major problems to deal with.
Murray: [to himself] And that is how you get out of a ridiculous conversation.

Adam: Pops, thank God you're here! There's a major crisis between me and Jackie. Only my love guru can help.
Pops: This is why I sit here waiting all day. Lay it on me, kiddo.
Adam: Hang on to your hat. Turns out, Jackie likes "Star Trek" more than "Star Wars." What do I do?
Pops: About what?
Adam: It's a fact. Force Freaks and Trekkies never get along. We're sworn enemies.
Pops: Okay, here's what you do. Nothing. 'Cause it's all dumb.
Adam: Dumb?! If I date a Trekkie, I lose all my street cred with my boys!
Pops: And just where is this street, and who are these boys?

Erica: Long-distance relationships are the worst and never work.
Geoff: Yes, beating the odds!
Barry: See? You guys make it work.
Erica: Yeah, but we barely see each other.
Geoff: And our phone bills are out of control. I had to start mowing lawns.
Barry: Manual labor? Big Tasty's more of a corner-office, feet-up-on-the-desk kinda guy.

Murray: Son, today, I'm gonna pass on to you my greatest legacy, how to be a shell of a man.
Adam: Your legacy seems sad.
Murray: This is all I've got.
Adam: Totally fair.
Murray: Lesson one, the think 'n' nod. When your woman's asking you your opinion, you act like you're thinking about it, and then you nod in agreement.
Adam: But if my answer is always a dumb nod, won't Jackie catch on?
Murray: You'd think so. But deep down, they don't want our opinions.

Adam: Me and Jackie are doomed. There's no saving this relationship.
Beverly: Pardon me. I couldn't help but overhear through the vent in the upstairs bathroom. Schmoo, if you want relationship advice, just look at me and your dad. We've been making it work for 25 years.
Murray: Makin' it work!
Beverly: Sure, we bicker. But in the end, we always compromise.
Murray: Right you are!
Beverly: There's no reason you can't do that with your space movies, right, Mur?
Murray: When you're right, you're right, Bevy.
Beverly: [aughs] He's a lug, but I love him.
Murray: Lady loves a lug. [smooches] Smack-diggity!

Murray: Don't do a damn thing she said.
Adam: Uh, what? But, I-
Murray: Shut up, shut up! Listen to me. In any healthy relationship, there is no compromise.
Adam: So what is there?
Murray: Total defeat. Your only choice? Become a shell of a man.
Adam: What? That sounds like a horrible way to live.
Murray: It is, but it works. It keeps your mom and I chugging along.
Adam: And that's what I want with Jackie. To chug forever.
Murray: Then meet me in your room in five minutes.
Adam: Can't we just-
Murray: No! [whispering] It's not safe here! It's not safe.

Murray: Lesson two, the smile and echo. Whenever your girl is jabbering on, you smile at her and then you echo the last thing she says to you.
Adam: That can't possibly work.
Murray: Bevy, what was that thing you wanted me to do with the thing?!
Beverly: You mean shopping for towels?
Murray: Yeah, shopping for towels.
Beverly: Don't you worry. I just picked up this adorable set from the clearance bin.
Beverly: Don't you love them?
Murray: I love them!
Beverly: And I love you. In fact, I'm gonna go make you that butterscotch pudding you like so much.
Murray: See? I like getting along.
Adam: I gotta take some notes.
Murray: No, no! There can't be a paper trail.

Adam: Question. Isn't it soul crushing to never share your opinions?
Murray: Sure. But that brings us to our final lesson, the tampening.
Adam: The tampening?
Murray: You tamp down all the rage and fury deep into your body, like this. Watch. [exhales slowly]
Adam: That can't be good for you.
Murray: But the pudding helps.

Beverly: Dad, thank God you're here. There is a major crisis between me and Murray and we need your help.
Pops: Well, I'm 0 for 1, but let's give it a shot.
Murray: Great. Which towel do you like best? The entire life we've built depends on it.
Pops: Dammit! Why does everyone around here fight over such nonsense?

Adam: Do I really need to be here for this?
Beverly: Yes, you need to see how a healthy relationship works. Pick my towel, Daddy.
Pops: Well, this one is the ugliest shade of brown I've ever seen. And this big one looks like the sail of a clipper ship.
Murray: Gah! Who asked you?!
Pops: You did!