Coach Mellor: Why are you never this fired up in gym class?
Adam: 'Cause I'm a theater geek, Coach, not that you'd ever understand.
Coach Mellor: [blows whistle] That's a flag on the assumption.
Adam: Really? You like musicals?
Coach Mellor: Last month, my lady love, Ms. Cinoman, dragged me to a community college for an evening of theater. I had prepared myself for a night of misery, when out of nowhere, this troupe of cats came crawling down the aisle. They were singing, dancing, with their athletic thighs and their gymnastic voices. I wish I could remember what that show was called.
Adam: "Cats."
Coach Mellor: No, that's not it. It'll come to me.

Essie Karp: Bev, we're your best friends. We help each other out through thick and thin, right?
Beverly: Of course.
Essie Karp: Then it's our job to tell you that boy manipulates the hell out of you!
Linda Schwartz: Played you like a fiddle.
Beverly: Please. I invented emotional blackmail and guilt. That's my jam.

Barry: Well, then, we must seek guidance from the only person who knows how to outsmart Beverly Goldberg: my sister, Erica.
Erica: No. [hangs up phone]
Naked Rob: So no Erica? At all?
Barry: That is all we're gonna get.
Geoff: Aw. But I was really looking forward to seeing her this week.
Barry: Well, if you think about it, she's off at college, so it really makes no sense why she'd be involved in any of this.

Ms. Cinoman: Class, a very angry parent has informed me that some of you felt excluded from the "Joseph" tour. So, to make it right, I hereby change the school musical to "Joseph" instead of "Cats."
Coach Mellor: "Cats"! That's the title!

Murray: You suck, Winnipeg Jets!
Adam: Oh, my God, they're the Jets. It's like "West Side Story" on ice!

Adam: Dad, I have amazing news. All I need is for you to drive me to play rehearsal in downtown Philly during the height of rush hour for the next three months. Oh, that was the first time I said that out loud. Can I go back?
Murray: Wait a minute. This is every day? What about homework?
Adam: Homework is for people who can't do this.
Murray: Stop. I'm not gonna have you flunk out 'cause of some goofy play.
Adam: Goofy? Okay, let me put this in terms you'll understand. This would be like if I was asked to do a hockey thing for, like... What's the Broadway of hockey?
Murray: There's clearly no answer that's gonna work for both of us.

Virginia Kremp: Beverly, this match is inspired.
Beverly: I know. I dug down deep and pictured myself being thanked at their wedding.
Coach Mellor: Hey! We're sharing a private, supercharged, erotic moment over here!

Barry: I just punished my insides.
Naked Rob: I got to unbutton.
Geoff: Tummy so full.
Barry: I'm a ticking time bomb.
Beverly: What happened to my eggs Florentine, crusty sausage puffs, and fluffy Bevcakes?
Barry: Oh, that was for you guys?
Beverly: Yes. Who else would it be for?
Barry: We just thought someone abandoned a four-person brunch, so we were like, "Let's go to town."

Essie Karp: It's fine. We can just have the bagels.
Beverly: Linda, look out!
Virginia Kremp: They're back.
Linda Schwartz: I don't even know how they got here.
Beverly: They're like raccoons. Get! Get! Get!

Barry: Man, I always thought "Red Dawn" was the most awesome movie about colors, but it's "Colors."