Red: How was church?
Kitty: Great! I figured out what to do with our sinner children.
Red: Kitty, our kids are fine.
Kitty: Oh, really? So, why is Laurie...
Red: Hey, hey. If we're gonna start taking shots at our kids, let's focus on Eric.
Kitty: Okay, see, now, that's the point. He needs to learn right from wrong. I don't want him turning bad.
Red: Oh, Kitty. I don't think Eric's gonna turn bad. He's too much of a pantywaist.

Kitty: I know why you're defending them, Red. You feel guilty because you set a bad example.
Red: Hey, I go to church. Just not during televised sporting events. You know, Kitty, when my destroyer went down in the South Pacific...
Kitty: Oh, blah, blah, blah.
Red: Fine. If I thought the kids weren't going because of me, I'd go. Fortunately I don't think that, so I'm not going.

[circle:]
Kelso: You should really go to church, Eric. 'Cause God, he sees everything. It's why I live my life good and pure.
Eric: Kelso, you were dating two girls at the same time.
Kelso: Yeah, but God didn't see that. I was in my van, and he can't see through lead.
Fez: [strokes mustache] I don't want to get into a religious argument, but my God can kick your God's ass.
Hyde: God is dead, man. It said so in Time magazine.
Leo: No, man. I sat next to God once on the bus. He told me the meaning of life and then he gave me a pretzel.
Hyde: So what's the meaning of life, man?
Leo: Uh, yeah. I guess I should have written it down. But it was a good pretzel, man.
Eric: Maybe this life doesn't even matter, you know. Maybe we're not even here. Or no. Maybe I'm here, but you're not. Hello?
Kelso: You know what the best thing God ever did was? Boobs!
Fez: Yes. And God said, "Let there be boobs." And then there were boobs.
Hyde: Hey, if God is all-powerful, can he make a boob so big that even he can't lift it?
Leo: Well, that's a good question, man. I'll ask him next time I'm on the bus.

Jackie: Oh, my God! Here comes Michael. Isn't he gorgeous?
Donna: Jackie, he's a dog that lied and cheated on you, remember?
Jackie: Good! Good! Keep saying stuff like that so that I don't throw myself at him.
Donna: Gee, I'll try.
Kelso: Oh, hey. Excuse me.
Jackie: Hey, Michael.
Donna: You sub-mental two-timing dog.
Kelso: Hey, Jackie.
Jackie: So where you off to?
Donna: You lying, cheating dirtbag jerk.
Kelso: Well, I'm just gonna go over to the hub, grow my beard, you know.
Jackie: Well, that's neat.
Donna: So, they allow scumwads in there who lie to their girlfriends and cheat on them and break their hearts?
Kelso: Uh, I guess so. Yeah.

Pastor Dave: Now, I know some of the kids today think that God's a real downer, but the truth is, he's an upper. And let me tell you something, there's a much better drug than LSD or PCP. I get high on G-O-D.
Hyde: [coughs] Virgin.
Kitty: Bless you.
Hyde: Okay, why am I here?
Kitty: Because you're a young soul in my care. Now sit, dammit. Sorry, Dave.
Laurie: I have a soft spot for virgins.'Cause they're such a challenge.
Pastor Dave: Religion can be cool. In fact, Jesus was a lot like another famous rebel. Fonzie. But where Fonzie says, "Ay," Jesus says, "A-men."
Hyde: But, Dave, could Jesus start a jukebox just by hitting it?
Pastor Dave: He could, but Jesus doesn't like to hit anything.
Eric: Did he ever waterski over a shark?

Pastor Dave: Okay, let's take a look at your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.
Kitty: See, he's, um, looking down fondly on all of us going to church.
Pastor Dave: Steven? Very good. I see. When you think of God, you see Jesus.
Hyde: No, man. It's Clapton.
Eric: Oh, my God, man. I drew Clapton, too.

Pastor Dave: Okay, cool. Laurie?
Laurie: I drew a special picture just for you. Look at it later, when you're alone.

Eric: I got a pair of 10s.
Pastor Dave: Or as we say in religious rummy, a pair of apostles.
Kitty: Ooh, um, I have a jack, a queen, and a king.
Pastor Dave: You mean a Joseph, a Mary, and a Jesus.
Kitty: Wow! That's gonna be hard to beat.
Pastor Dave: That's so true, Kitty. Let's see what Laurie's got. Six... Six... Six. Well, thank you all for the lovely evening. I'll see you at the church.

Eric: Hey, Mom, are you gonna wear that to church, or is it just laundry day? [laughs] Think about it.
Kitty: No. There's an emergency at the hospital, and they're really short-staffed. I'm sorry I'm not gonna make it to church today.
Eric: All right! No church! Hey, we can watch the Brewers game.
Red: Sounds great! Laurie will cook us up a couple of hot dogs...
Kitty: No, no Brewers, no hot dogs, no nice day. You're gonna make sure these kids get to church.
Laurie: Why do we have to go?
Kitty: Well, I have a million reasons and no time. Now, here's a dollar for the offering. And you remember, you sing loud, you sing proud.

Laurie: Well, I'll see ya. I'm gonna go meet some friends behind the bowling alley.
Eric: Laurie, we're supposed to go to church.
Laurie: Oh, we're supposed to go to church. Stop being such a little girl and do something bad for once.