Chris: Hey.
Ann: Hey, you. What's-- what's up?
Chris: Nothin'.
April: This is weird.
Ann: No, it's not.
April: Yeah, it is. Why is it weird?
Ann: It's not weird. Do you want to talk in private?
April: No, anything you can say to Ann, you can say to me because we're best friends this week.
Chris: C-can we talk later?
Ann: Yeah.
Chris: Okay.
April: Why don't you talk now?
Ann: No, talk to you later.
April: Chris, we can talk now. What's going on, best friend?

Brandi Maxxxx: Hello everyone, I'm Brandi Maxxxx. Let's give a big round of applause to Councilwoman Knope for keeping this store in business!
Leslie Knope: No. Everyone stop applauding. For the record, I was just trying to help a place that had tremendous cultural value.
Brandi Maxxxx: Leslie, you've always been a huge supporter of my work.
Leslie Knope: No, no, I haven't.
Brandi Maxxxx: So I'm thrilled to tell you that I'm playing Leslie Knope in the porn version of the story of this government bailout!
Leslie Knope: Please don't do that.
Brandi Maxxxx: Oh, we already filmed it.
Leslie Knope: Oh!
Brandi Maxxxx: The porn industry in town was really faltering. But now we're back. You're our hero!

Ann: Okay. Are you ready?
April: For you to tell me what's going on with Chris? Yes.
Ann: No. To sing. [sings Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time] Go.
April: No, tell me about Chris. [Ann continues singing] Tell me about Chris, or I'm leaving, and I don't care about the letter.
Ann: I wanna have a baby, and I asked Chris to donate his sperm. And he's taking a really long time to make up his mind, and it's really freaking me out. And I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm obsessing about it, and I want to think about anything else but that, but it's making me crazy.
April: [continues the song]
Ann: You know this song already?
April: Of course I do. Everyone knows this song. It's amazing.

Ann: Here is your letter of recommendation, so you're off the hook. No need to pretend to be my friend anymore.
April: Thank God. I can't tell if you actually hate me or if this is just how you are, but I had fun hanging out with you. So I don't care what you say, you're my friend. And I hope you get into veterinary school because I like you, so there.
April: I got you something too.
Ann: A baby-naming book.
April: I hope it works out with Chris. And if it doesn't, I hope it works out with someone.
Ann: We're gonna hug now.
April: No.
Ann: Yeah.
April: Ow! You're hurting me!

Chris: Well. Looks like things with Mona-Lisa are... Continuing.
Tom: Yeah. I think I'm gradually transforming her from truly terrible to only kinda terrible. It's the small victories, you know?
Chris: Indeed. The small victories.
Tom: I know she's kind of a monster, but whatever. I'm young. She's sexy. I'm just gonna see where this roller coaster goes.
Chris: Fair enough. Is there anything else you need help with? Have you learned how to ride a bike yet?
Tom: Yeah. I'm 28 years old. [laughs]
Chris: I'm proud of you, bud.

Chris: Ann Perkins.
Ann: Is that a happy "Ann Perkins," or is that a bad-news "Ann Perkins"?
Chris: Oh, happy. Obviously. The bad-news one sounds like this. [upbeat] "Ann Perkins."
Ann: Oh.
Chris: Well, I've thought about it. And I'm in. I want to be a parent. I want to raise a child, with all the ups and downs and challenges that comes with it.
Ann: Chris, this is so great. I'm so happy.
Chris: Me too.
Ann: Well, I guess your uter-you and my uter-me are now our uter-us.
Chris: Don't make me change my mind.

Tom: Rent-A-Swag shareholders: As you can see, your store is hoppin'. These kids are renting my old clothes like they're going out of style. [to camera] Which they never will.
Donna: Yeah, it's a lot of foot traffic, Tommy. I like it.
Mona-Lisa: Oh, "day-yay-yam," it is kind of a sausage party in here. For the record, would hit it, would hit, would hit. Hard pass. [laughs]
Ron Swanson: Tom, who is this... person?
Tom: This is Mona-Lisa Saperstein, my new sales associate.
Ben: Mona-Lisa Saperstein? Does that mean...
Jean-Ralphio: [sings] Oh, yeah she's my sister. My twin sister, from the same mister. Thank you so much for hiring Mona-Lisa. It means so much to me. Even though, honestly, she's... [sings] The wo-o-orst. She is the worst person in the world. Huge skank. Terrible. But thank you. It means a lot.
Tom: Of course. Got to keep it in the family.
Ben: Yeah, but does it have to be this family?

Mona-Lisa: Actually, that reminds me, [rhythmically] Ba-ba-ba-boss man... I need to leave early today because my shrink got me and him tickets to a Pitbull concert. And I already committed to that. And so if you say that I can't go, it's like you're taking something away from me.
Tom: Um, store's really busy. I kinda need you to stay.
Mona-Lisa: Mm-hmm. I totally hear you. Um, I also don't like what you're saying. So if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom.
Tom: Okay, I guess you can go.
Mona-Lisa: Yeah, I know I can. [giggles]
Jean-Ralphio: What did I tell you, huh? [sings] The wo-o-o-orst. [talks] She's the worst in the world. Jean-Ralphio. How are you?

Tom: Mona-Lisa! Did you order the champagne for the client party tonight?
Mona-Lisa: Did I order the what for the what-what what, what? What are you even talking about right now?
Tom: Okay, we need to discuss your work habits.
Mona-Lisa: Okay, sure, but after I take a quick nap because ecstasy takes [sings] forever to leave my system.
Tom: No. We're doing this now.
Mona-Lisa: [groans]
Tom: You need to start putting in more of an effort and start respecting my authority around here!
Mona-Lisa: Or else what?
Tom: Or else I'll fire you.
Mona-Lisa: What did you just say?
Tom: I said, if you don't shape up, I'll fire you. Do you understand?
Mona-Lisa: You are so freaking sexy right now, I could crap my pants.
Tom: Ugh. [Mona-Lisa kisses Tom] What are you doing? [screams]

Chris: Tom, how did it go with Mona-Lisa?
Tom: I told her she needed to change her attitude, or I was gonna have to fire her.
Ben: Well, that is very responsible and mature. She took it well?
Tom: Um... yeah. For some reason, she got super turned on. We started making out. Hard. Next thing you know, we're back at my place, having sex. We're together now.
Mona-Lisa: Hey, bitch, I need to borrow some money to do something that is none of your damn beeswax, namely, I need to wax my bee. [Chris chokes]
Tom: Here you go.
Mona-Lisa: I'd still hit it. I'm coolin' on you.
Tom: See? Perfect!