Schmidt: I'm soft like a lady. You won't even know.
Nick: But what if I get a surprise?
Schmidt: "A surprise"?
Nick: What if there's a surprise on me?
Schmidt: There's not gonna be a surprise on you.
Nick: What if I'm fighting the war and boom... there's a surprise!
Schmidt: You go north, I go south. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm in steerage and I'm rowing. And I'm rowing and I'm rowing and the... You're up in the crow's nest. Fre-fresh air up there, man. And I'm in the trenches, you know? I'm digging for coal. I'm breathing in those fumes. And you're up here. You're just taking in the sights. You're spotting dolphins, huh? You're just the handsome prince covered in salty sea spray...
Nick: I don't want you calling me handsome before a potential four-way!

Winston: Jess.
Jess: Yes. Yes, my love.
Winston: Honey, we both know we have been unhappy for far too long. I am not just a vehicle you get to ride to Pleasure Town. Be gone, honky! [throws drink at Jess] This is for your own good. Say good-bye to paradise, honey!

Nick: Are you okay? You look gray.
Schmidt: I didn't sleep. I was up preparing for an epic day of wedding decisions. I'm calling it D-Day. Of course, in this situation, the "D" stands for "decisions," and unlike the other D-Day, it will not be a walk on the beach.
Jess: That's incredibly offensive.
Schmidt: I know.

Nick: When I came out, was it flashy? Was it emotional? Am I mad that Anderson Cooper doesn't fly the flag? Or for what he's doing in his own way-- is it even braver?
Jess: These are all really good questions, but I just can't get my mind off, like, why you dress this way. Why aren't you in better shape?
Nick: Don't put me in a box! There's nothing we gay men hate more than being put in a box.
Jess: Good.
Nick: Look, maybe I'm a bear, maybe I'm a twinkler.
Jess: That's not a category.
Nick: [loudly] I like rugby for the game and for the men. Now, if you excuse me, I got to go do that gay thing I was telling you about, because, of course, I'm gay as hell. [Jess laughs] Bye.
Jess: [whispers] That's not how gay men talk.
Nick: [whispers] I am shattering stereotypes.

Jess: Guess what I'm worried about? This sound. You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus. I don't need test results to tell me that it is The Grapes of Wrath in there. It is 1930s Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt. And they're all walking with limps.

Jess: When did it start?
Schmidt: 1:03 a.m., February 15, right on schedule.
Cece: Two months ago.
Jess: Two months? Two moons have passed since you started doing it?
Winston: Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?
Jess: Two moons have passed!

Winston: Nick, it's my money, okay?! Give it back to me!
Nick: I make a little bit of money and you come slipping out of the "woodword"!
Winston: You mean "woodwork"?
Nick: What is "woodwork"?!
Winston: What's "woodword"?!
Nick: Wood! Word! Wood! Word! That's where people like you come crawling out of when people like me have money!

Winston: [ahem] It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since Furguson's departure. As you all know from my many e-mails and a sponsored tweet, I looked at Furguson as Jewish. So, in the Jewish tradition, we unveil his gravestone on the first anniversary of his passing. Furgie accomplished a lot in his time on Earth... eating, sleeping, walking around, doing that thing with his paw. You know, where he licked it a whole bunch? [chuckles] Yeah, he lived a full life. Schmidt, will you begin the service?
Schmidt: Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba. Amen.
All: Amen.

Winston: Oh... new partner's here. Guys, as they say, when one chapter ends, a bridge appears, and then you cross that bridge and make lemonade out of a molehill.
Nick: Okay.

Nick: So, you freaked out a little back there, didn't you? Not to use some popsicle psychology...
Schmidt: "Popsicle psychology"?
Nick: Yeah, it's pop psychology for short. 'Cause, you know, you eat the popsicle and you love it so much and then you're stuck holding the-the stick? You get it. you get it.