Nick: Okay, I know for a fact... that this was the most attractive man in America for ten years. [holds up a Cheers publicity photo of Ted Danson] I know that because magazines told me so. But... Okay... Hey, Donovan, could you copy that? You guys don't look anything alike.
Donovan: Okay.
Nick: Okay.

Cece: Donovan, these terms are unacceptable. He's really screwing you.
Donovan: Aw.
Cece: You know what? I'm gonna get on the phone with him, because if we start treating our attractive people like this, our society is gonna collapse.

Winston: Nick, please, that dude is hot as hell, man. He is a member of the Hall of Fine. He's more attractive than Joe Mangaroni. Manga... Joe Menden...
Nick: Who are you thinking of?
Winston: Magic Mike's friend.
Cece: Oh, he's married to that...
Nick: Yeah, J Lo.
Nick: Joe Mangallini.
Winston: Joe Mangallini. He's more attractive than Joe Mangallini.

Schmidt: I'm fat!
Jess: I'm ready!
Schmidt: Look at this scarf. I used to be able to wrap this scarf...
Jess: You go first.
Schmidt: exactly... two and a half times, and the plaid layers would blend seamlessly.
Jess: Scarf looks fine, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Now the blend is several degrees from seamless, a... as you can see. I've gained six pounds, maybe six and a half, I'm sure of it.
Cece: Honey, you look exactly the same to me.
Jess: Are you implying you gained six pounds in your neck?
Schmidt: I let my gym membership lapse when we were planning the wedding. Now instead of a chiseled ten, I'm a dumpy seven breathin' down six's back. But it's fine. I just have to find a new gym.

Jess: Come on! Flip it! Flip it! Come on, Schmidt, flip it!
Schmidt: Oh, forget it.
Jess: What are you doing?
Schmidt: I don't know. I used to crush at the gym and now I'm just mediocre, like early Beyoncé. Nobody will say it, but you know it's true.

Robby: All right. I'm gonna get a drink and get back to my workout, but, uh, you better be careful. My... I-I tore every single ligament in my right leg. The doctor says I have to focus [inhales sharply] on the top until it heals.
Schmidt: Yeah, classic genie workout. Just let your legs waste away until they turn into mist.

Jess: All right, got to get back on the horse. Got to find a guy I can have some rhythm with. Ooh. Sweaty guy? Oh. Guy doing Pilates in work boots?
Schmidt: Are you doing a bit right now?
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Just date Robby.
Jess: Oh, Schmidt, not this again.
Schmidt: Why not? I mean, you guys get along. He's clearly into you. You have that whole Tony thing, which was very inside and alienating.
Jess: Well, I do find Robby really funny and... he's as tall as you can be before it's weird.
Schmidt: See, I'd put him on the wrong side of that line, but that's just me. Who cares what I think? Jess... go get him.

Schmidt: Jess, why are you not dressed for the gymnasia ["hym-nahsia"]?
Jess: Hmm. I'm not going.
Schmidt: Why the hell not? Oh, is it your birthday?
Jess: No. I just...
Schmidt: Did we forget your birthday? This is terrible.
Jess: It's not my birthday.
Schmidt: It's a big one, too, isn't it?
Jess: How old do you think I...
Jess: No, I'm eating leftovers from my date with Robby.
Schmidt: Did you go to Birthdays? You know, if you get a chance, you should try the Birthdays Express at the airport. I like it better.

Jess: You know what? You're right. I was gonna try to avoid Robby, but funk that chicken! I'm gonna go get my gym clothes on!
Schmidt: Yeah.
Jess: I'm gonna put my push-up bra on. That's actually not a bra that pushes my breasts up, it's actually one that I do push-ups in.
Schmidt: I get it.
Jess: Smash these babies down.
Schmidt: Let's do it.

Jess: Anyway, I just have to wear this thing for the next few days just as a precaution.
Schmidt: Well, if you want to cover it up, Cece gave me a scarf that's perfect. It's long enough to wrap around an above-ground pool filled with Alfredo sauce. Alfredo sauce. Doesn't that sound good?
Jess: Not really.
Schmidt: I don't know. Maybe Cece's right. Maybe I am turning into a fat man.
Jess: Cece never called you fat.
Schmidt: Well, I am. I'm a fat man married to a hot woman. Cool, I'm a sitcom.
Jess: That sounds like a great show. Throw in a wacky neighbor, I'm watching.
Jess: Maybe the reason why you don't want to go to the gym is 'cause you want to hang out with your beautiful wife. Right? And you're fat and happy because you're happy.
Schmidt: You're right. I'm a lucky man.
Jess: A Lucky Man should be the name of your show. You're a beleaguered casino owner, and a father of three.