Nick: I'm not going to go tomorrow. I'd rather not, because I don't want to get an ultrasound. I just don't have time. No, I've got some writing I got to do. The truth is, with working out, I've got some people to see, so I just can't make it. I lost a stamp. It sounds worse than it is, but it's a somewhat expensive stamp and I had planned on looking for it. One of the reasons I moved to Los Angeles was to get closer to whales, so I can record them. I haven't gotten around to it because where we live is actually east. It's way farther from the ocean than I expected. I appreciate your concern. It is really sweet. It's nice. But this machine's still kicking, you know?

Jess: You want me to get real and stop being all cutesy and whatever, fine. Let's get real. You don't do anything. What did you want to do? I mean, isn't there something you wanted to accomplish?
Nick: Hey, I've done things. I wrote half a book about zombies.
Jess: Okay, just tell me. If you could do anything, what would you do?
Nick: You know, I'm the guy who... I can't just jump into something if I don't know what's gonna happen. I never have been that guy. Like, I'm the, I'm the guy that, if I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't do something. Ever. I don't care how bad I want to do it. I don't do it. Like, if everybody would go into the ocean and jumped in the water, well, I'm the guy on the beach guarding the wallets.

Winston: Jess, you don't want to talk at a funeral. I've tried that once.
[flashback:]
Winston: What kind of dummy fixes a washing machine using a knife? [points to casket] This kind of dummy!
[present:]
Winston: It did not go well.

Jess: How many... ears does Daniel Boone have? He's got a... a right ear, a left ear and a... front ear. "Frontier." Get it? [both chuckle]
Nick: You don't get to speak at my funeral.
Jess: What?
Nick: For sure. 100%.
Jess: What? Why?
Nick: Because of that joke.

Jess: All right, Nick. All right. Get out there.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: I'll hold your wallet.
Nick: I don't have a wallet.
Jess: All right, well, that's fine.
Nick: I have a sandwich bag with my license and money in it.
Jess: Okay, I'll hold your sandwich bag. Get out there, go.

Nick: Hi. Uh, my name is Nick Miller. I-I have a 9:00 a.m. today.
Receptionist: Fill these out. I'm gonna need a copy of your health insurance.
Nick: Oh. I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be paying with cash, actually. It's a mixture of, uh, paper money and change. I do have a check that's postdated. There's a 60/40 shot that's gonna clear. I hope that's good.

Schmidt: It's because he refuses to wear a Bluetooth. You know that. I gave him one for his birthday, too, but he just laughed in my face. Gave it back to me for Hanukkah.
Winston: Well, according to this Web site, it could be a colloid nodule. But that's most common in golden retrievers.

Schmidt: I thought my lifestyle choices would rub off on him. I tried to set a good example. Treat your body like a temple. Treat your body like a temple. But he treats his like a dump. Like a dump!

Schmidt: I don't know why I would say that. Why would anyone say that? I've never gone through anything like this.
Cece: Yeah, well, I have.
Schmidt: What happened?
Cece: My dad died when I was 12.
Schmidt: That's, um...
Cece: The only way to get through it is to get through it.
Schmidt: You know, I had a cat that died...
Cece: Don't compare my dad to your cat.
Schmidt: It was a big cat. I mean, human size.

Schmidt: We all taking our shoes off? What's going on?
Winston: I'm a little drunk, and I can't be too sure, but I think you're finally about to see your best friend's penis. [Nick yelling]
Schmidt: Nick ... he's gonna sh ... he's gonna show his penis to the ocean and not me? Nick, wait!