Schmidt: [over video chat] Why am I looking at a fountain now? What... What a relaxing water feature.
Jess: [sings] Oh-oh, whoa-oh, whoa My body's saying let's go Oh-oh, whoa-oh, whoa
Schmidt: Are they playing Christina there?
Jess: [sings] But my heart's saying no If you want to be me with me Baby, there's a price to pay I'm a genie in a bottle You gotta rub me the right way If you want to be with me...

Jess: Everything's under control. The bakery's sending over three cakes for you to try. Okay. And Gavin from the winery in Calabasas gave me a great deal.
Schmidt: Uh, you met Gavin in Calabasas?
Jess: I didn't just meet him, we kissed a little.
Schmidt: [shrieking] No! Ugh!
Jess: Schmidt, what happened? What's wrong?
Schmidt: [whispering:] You just made out with my dad. [shrieking]

Nick: Gah. Sorry, I'm a little bit jumpy. God, they should really make a TV show based off what you guys do.
Winston: You know, I've been telling that to Aly since forever!
Nick: It'd be a great idea.
Winston: Hello, Hollywood!
Nick: It's a big show!
Winston: Yeah, it's a hit.

Nick: Oh, thank God, Winston. You're saving the city from a palm frond. Los Angeles can sleep soundly tonight, everybody.
Winston: All right, it was a slow-ass day. Aly, will you tell him it's a slow-ass day?
Aly: No, I'm not getting involved in this. I'm not gonna be the yardstick in a penis measuring contest.
Nick: Did you say "yard"?
Winston: Wow, who are you dating?
Aly: Tape measure, fine.

Cece: Thank you, Jess. That would be great.
Schmidt: Uh, no, Cece. I don't have time to bring her up to speed. Throwing her into the fray now would be like putting a baby on a treadmill. She would... just shoot off.

Cece: Ooh, FYI, you may have to wrestle a rectal nutrient into him.
Jess: Wait, what?
Cece: You're right. Not your job.
Nick: I've done it before. I mean, I didn't like it, but... I did it. Am I proud of it? No. Did I do it? Yes. Have I done it again since? No.

Schmidt: There's tons to do today, so we're going to have to split up. I have to be here for a tux fitting and a meeting with a napkin ring genius.
Jess: Gonna be fine.
Schmidt: There's chairs to be picked and... [yawns] ...cakes to be tasted.
Jess: Schmidt? Are you asleep?
Schmidt: What?! No, I'm not sleeping, of course I'm not sleeping! Just tons... too much to do today to sleep. Jess... this is the most important thing that I own. It is the wedding flash drive. Everything that you need to know is on this. It's color-coded.
Jess: Ooh, color-coded. Gimme.
Schmidt: Please do not reach for it like you're Winston reaching for someone's breast. Treat it with respect.
Jess: I will, and I just want to say I'm honored you're trusting me.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm not.

Schmidt: [over video chat] Everything I see is terrible. Pan left.
Jess: This one's nice. Comfortable, but not too comfortable. We want people to dance.
Schmidt: Folding chairs? Jess, if I wanted my wedding to be an AA meeting, I would've called my Aunt Terry.
Woman: [to Jess] I don't think you want to marry this guy.
Schmidt: Who is that?

Nick: This is the third time you've stood me up. Meat lunch is our oldest and proudest tradition.
[flashback:]
Young Winston: Let's do this every year for the rest of our lives.
Young Nick: I'm gonna be a lawyer.
[present:]
Winston: Let's eat.
Nick: I can't. I had an hour, I gotta go back to work.
Winston: I mean... You know, it's a... it's a bar in the middle of the day. Like, who's there? Why are they there? Why do you need to be there?
Nick: 'Cause it's my job.
Winston: It runs itself. It's basically a big-ass fridge.

Nick: Welcome to the nerve center. Over here, you've got accounts payable-- bills, to the layperson-- and over here is the schedule. It's a numbers game, really. Who works when and why, square pegs, round holes, every man is a mystery...
Winston: That's great, Nick. Um, I'm a cop.