Alex: What are you even still doing home? Don't you usually open your magic shop by now?
Phil: Yeah. I'm just going in a little late.
Alex: Doesn't sound good for business. And I saw you sneak those carrots out of your lunch.
Phil: I'm trying to avoid one of the other shop owners. Kind of an intimidating character. It started with a dispute over a parking space and escalated from there.
Alex: Hey we don't avoid bullies in this family. We stand up to them. Off you go.
Phil: I don't think you realize what kind of person I'm up against. Yesterday, all my dribble glasses were replaced with real ones. It was humiliating.

Mitchell: So, Long', we have a lot to catch up on. What's up?
Longinus: Not my weight. The Tom Brady diet changed the way I see the world. [to Cameron holding the Hors d'oeuvres] Food, not food, super-food, poison.

Sam: Great party, boys. We need to talk about the piano in the room.
Mitchell: Uh, well, yes, so, okay, okay. [chuckles] So, Cam has always wanted one, and frankly, it has been out of our price range until this week. Fun story. It turns out that I-
Sam: I'm being rude. Sam Turnbull.
Claire: Oh! Claire Dunphy. Hi. You are the editor of L.A. Woman magazine, right?
Cameron: I believe it's pronounced [French accent] "La Woman."
Sam: It isn't.

Claire: It's funny because your office called my business last week. Apparently, I'm on some short list for the Women in Business issue.
Sam: Closets, right?
Claire: Yeah. I shattered the glass ceiling and ironically, we have a new glass-ceiling closet. You can see if it's raining when you're getting dressed. Gonna save a lot of suede.

Cameron: Hi, everyone. So, we are about to get to know one another on a deeper, more personal level. I think you all know what the bowl is for. Hey, no. Not your keys, Jotham. Your phones! We are about to rediscover the long-lost art of conversation.
Jotham: What if the sitter calls?
Cameron: Your dog will be fine. Phones, gentlemen, phones.

Jay: Uh, it's a difficult subject. Gloria and I are having an issue in the bedroom.
Claire: Okay.
Jay: There's been a drop-off of pace and intensity. I get the impression she's looking for, maybe, a little more variety.
Claire: Mm.
Jay: But you can't blame her. I've been using the same moves since the '70s. I may as well be doing "The Hustle" in there.
Claire: I'm just gonna wet my whistle.
Jay: I heard her tell her friend last night about wanting to be spanked. And later, the opportunity presented itself, and-
Claire: No, you didn't. You didn't.
Jay: Three times.
Claire: Oh, God. Why three times, Dad?
Jay: I don't know. Maybe all those years of ping-pong in the warehouse. I've got very agile wrists.

Claire: When you did what you did to Gloria, you made the sex all about her body, and a woman wants it to be about the mind.
Jay: Oh, crap. I was afraid it would be about that sort of thing.
Claire: Look, she is an intelligent, interesting woman. And you just need to remind her that you notice that unlike, say, I don't know, L.A. Woman magazine, that only cares about how a woman looks.
Jay: So, we're off my thing, huh?
Claire: Hopefully forever, yes. I ran into the editor of that magazine over at Cam and Mitch's today, and you know what? He looks me up and down. Suddenly, I am off their women-in-business list.
Jay: So, L.A. Woman is its own magazine now? I remember when it was the back page of L.A. Man.
Claire: Well, I suppose I'm just not as glamorous as Linda Vaughn, the queen of corrective shoes.
Jay: And this has nothing to do with the fact that you showed up looking like someone who just watered some horses?

Claire: What about merit?
Jay: I hear you. But you got to play the game. I didn't get on the cover of Closet Time's September '78 issue by wearing Jordache jeans one size too big.

Gloria: Why haven't you been texting me back?
Mitchell: Well, uh-
Gloria: You're judging us, aren't you?
Mitchell: No.
Gloria: This is nothing compared to the things that I have heard that you two do-
Mitchell: Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. I-I never saw your text, okay? All of our phones are in a bowl.
Gloria: Oh, it's that kind of party.
Mitchell: What do you think that we do?
Gloria: I have a problem.
Mitchell: Well, can it wait? I have guests.
Gloria: Your father spanked me.
Mitchell: Eh, it's a buffet. They'll be fine.

Mitchell: What did you do?
Gloria: I screamed, he ran away. And now I think he's embarrassed.
Mitchell: Okay, okay. For what it's worth, sometimes people do things to other people that they want done to themselves. [looking at Cameron] Sometimes, for years on end.