Cameron: It's a French Canadian delicacy called poutine.
Jay: Mm. Well, it looks like vomit, so I'm not pou-ting it in my mouth.

Gloria: Manny, I can take care of a baby. I took care of you.
Manny: Please. I was an anomaly. I self-potty trained.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I just did not get the appeal of intentionally soiling one's pants. That said, I will admit to missing the kisses on my tummy.

Cameron: [aside to camera] The giant stuffed elephant was a gift from our good friend Pepper.
Mitchell: Gay guys having kids is, it's relatively new, so our community has not yet learned how to modulate baby gifts.
Cameron: When Steven and Stefan had little Rocco, our friend Longinus sent over the whole cast of "Yo Gabba Gabba".
Mitchell: Now Rocco cries whenever he sees bright colors.
Cameron: I'm not allowed over there.

Cameron: No, sir! No, she will always be Norma Jeane Baker to me.
Cat Lady: What is your point, exactly?
Cameron: That like the thrice-married starlet, this cat is being deprived a stable home.
Cat Lady: I'm sorry if you're upset.
Cameron: You're the one who should be upset, ma'am. We are animals lovers.
[In the background, Mitchell makes the car "dance" with the giant gorilla and elephant on the roof]
Cameron: That cat would've been on the receiving end of affection 24 hours a day, satisfying its every need would've been our top priority. Okay, in light of that tableau, I would like to take back the phrase "receiving end."

Gloria: Manny, sit down. I have to tell you something.
Manny: What?
Gloria: I am pregnant.
Manny: You're what?
Gloria: I'm going to have a baby.
Manny: Wow.
Gloria: What? You're not happy?
Manny: Yeah. Sure. It's just a lot to take in. And I'll be honest, this isn't coming at a great time for me, with everything I've got going on.
Gloria: This is not your responsibility.
Manny: Neither is our wooden salad bowl, but I'm the only one who oils it. Without me, that thing would soak up dressing like a sponge.

Phil: Once again, I'd like to apologize for punching you in the head. It really was the only way to save you since you were bound and hooded, which leads me to my second apology.

Miles: So 65, huh? You're heading into the best years of your life.
Shorty: That's right. You put in the work. You climbed the mountain. Now it's time to reap the rewards.
Jay: I guess you're right.
Phil: Sounds pretty good to me.
Shorty: You know, the more I look at you, the angrier I get that you don't got a beard.
Phil: I had a soul patch once.
Shorty: A soul patch? That's like a beard's crap.

Claire: Were you drinking?
Haley: Mom, do we really have to do this? You ask if I was drinking, I say "No," and we both know that that's not true. I mean, aren't we past this point in our relationship?
Claire: No, young lady, we are not.
Haley: Then I wasn't drinking.
Dylan: [popping up on the couch] Me neither, Mrs. D.
Claire: Dear God. Tell me he did not spend the night here.
Haley: Mom, do we really have to do this?

Jay: Good morning!
Manny: There's the birthday boy! 65 candles on one cook. This is a big day for you and for the astronauts who can see it from space.

Gloria: Happy birthday to you.
Jay: Thank you. And just so everyone knows, I want a quiet day. No surprises.
Gloria: No surprises.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Last night, I found out that I am pregnant, so Jay's gonna get one big surprise. Okay, two if you count the barbecue apron with the bikini body on it.