Malcolm: I can't take this anymore! Everything I want, I can't have! Anything that's nice, I can't do. And everyone in the world gets to do everything except me!
Stevie: Malcolm...
Malcolm: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know there's other people worse off than me. You know what? I don't care. [Julie walks up behind Malcolm] I'm sick of going to school every day smelling like feet!
Stevie: Malcolm.
Malcolm: I hate being poor, okay? I mean, is that so bad? Why is that like some big character flaw? It's not my fault we're poor!
Stevie: Malcolm!
Julie: You, um... left your backpack.
Malcolm: [to Stevie] Maybe you should try taking a really deep breath before you start talking.
Stevie: Yeah.

Lois: [knock at door] Check the peephole. If they've got a hand truck, don't open it.

Craig: Lois, if this makes any difference I will work every graveyard shift right alongside you. Every single one of them.
Hal: Oh, hi, Craig. What's going on?
Craig: Nothing. Just business. Take it easy, tiger. We're working. Well, I am. Hi. Back to the grind. [runs out]
Hal: Nice guy.

Doctor: Well, you got him here early, that's good. He'll be fine in a few days. Just like when this one ate the frog.
Dewey: I only ate half of it.

Lois: Okay. You boys take care of your dad. I'm going to go see Mr. Pinter and beg for my job back.
Malcolm: What? Mom, wait. You don't have to do that.
Lois: Yes, I do. I don't want to, shouldn't have to, but guess what? I do. But I want you boys to understand something. I am not going back on anything I said before.
Malcolm: [to camera] She's completely going back on it, but I'm not going to kick her when she's down.
Reese: You're totally going back on it.
Lois: No, I am not. Everything I said before still goes. You know, sometimes bad things happen and you don't understand why and you just have to trust that there's a good reason for it. [to the heavens] Sure, it's easy to work in mysterious ways when you have a job.

Tanya: You have incredible hands.
Francis: Well, it's easy on such a beautiful back. Not to mention the most talented sweet and sexy... [Tanya looks up at him] What?
Tanya: [sits up] Francis, are are you sure you're really... how you are?
Francis: Tanya, I'm so confused. I mean, I thought that I was, but when I'm around you I have these strange, new feelings. I feel like maybe I could change. That you could be the woman who changes me.
Tanya: Oh, Francis I was hoping you'd say that. I want to be that woman for you. Mm, and don't you worry, honey. If there's one thing we know how to do down here... it's how to fix this.
[cut to Tanya watching Francis in a room filled with young men:]
Preacher: And with God's help, we can say "no!" to weakness. We can say "no!" to all things unnatural! It is procreation, not recreation! And when Satan tempts us, what do we do?
Man: Pray out the gay.
Preacher: Get to it!

Mr. Pinter: Now, look-
Lois: No, you look. I don't deserve this. The only thing I ever did wrong was all the work I did to cover your butt.
Mr. Pinter: Well, we obviously have different definitions of "wrong."
Lois: [scoffs] Yeah, I guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name on sales reports that you didn't write. I think it's wrong you keep a little bag of "herbs" in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife. And you want to know something? You don't even have to worry about it because I also think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know, you should be so glad that I'm the only one that knows this stuff about you.
[All the other employees huddle on the other next the aisle]
Lois: Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I am so much better than you.

Craig: You know, uh, this is a little intense. You, me, working this shelf together. [chuckles nervously]
Lois: What's intense about it?
Craig: I guess nothing. Excuse me. [walks off]

Reese: Mom!
Dewey: You're not supposed to yell in the store.
Reese: [flicks Dewey's head] Not supposed to do that either. Life's funny that way.

Dewey: [to himself] I hate my brothers. I only like me. I hate my brothers. I only like me. I hate my brothers. I only like me.