Barney: I'm dying out here. Talking like a little boy is not working with the ladies.
[montage of Barney approaching women:]
Barney: Wow, lady. You got some tig ol' bitties!
Barney: Gosh! Your body's a perfect... This many.
Barney: Hi. Do you want to wrestle with our special bathing suit places? Come on!

Ted: I got it. I got it. We e-mail them pictures reminding them of each of these fights.
Lily: You child. Here's how it goes down. They're at the diner. First, rekindling the Canadian-American debate... Ontario native Alan Thicke stops by the table.
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ted: Alan Thicke?
Marshall: Oh! Right, Robin knew him back when she was a singer.
Lily: Yeah, and they still keep in touch. I already got his number off her phone. Seriously, amateurs. [.vo.] So Alan Thicke restarts the Canada-US fight. Right at that moment, Crazy Meg shows up. Then, a Stormtrooper happens to walk by the window. And just when they can't take anything more, a busboy walks by with a tray full of what? Dirty dishes.

Barney: Ted, sure it's fun to look back at a time when you were a fresh-faced farm girl with a virgin's glow. But all that stuff, Ohio, Karen, college? All that was B.S. Before Stinson. Now, your life is awesome! I mean, yeah, you still live with your ex-girlfriend which is ridiculous. Your Laser Tag chops are almost nonexistent. And your wardrobe! It's like, what? Are you allergic to quality fabrics? Seriously Ted, shape up! What were we talking about?

Lily: You didn't let those reporter bitches psych you out, did you?
[flashback to Robin's audition:]
Robin: ...and the President's economic team is hoping to have a proposal before Congress by the end of the month. From all of us here at News Ten, have a good evening. ... So, good night, New York. And may the road ahead be lit with dreams and tomorrows. Which are lit with dreams... also.
[present:]
Ted: Wow, that's terrible. And bad... Also.
Robin: I wasn't done.
[flashback:]
Robin: Stand tall, New York. Trustworthy. Recycling. Wear a condom.
[present:]
Marshall: Wear a condom?
Robin: I'm not gonna be the new Channel Ten anchor, am I?
Barney: This just in, no.

Lily: Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids.
Marshall: Baby, it's Santa. Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope, their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares, knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him?
Lily: Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota?
Marshall: Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 a.m. when he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies, a sugar crash. No, Santa needs protein.

Marshall: Wait a second. [Boston accent] Is she a cop?
Ted: [Boston accent] I think she's a cop!
Marshall: Did you know she was a cop?
Ted: I didn't know she was a cop!

Ted: I just got that girl's number. Check it out. Holli.
Barney: Nice. Girls whose names end in L-Y are always dirty. Holli, Kelly, Carly, Lily.
Marshall: Hey! Oh, yeah, I know it's true.
Barney: And don't even get me started on girls whose names should end in Y, but instead end in I. Those girls are like roller coasters. You got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't drop your keys.