Reverend: Well, I talked to Barney and Robin and let me say, I am shocked.
Lily: You should be.
Reverend: Flat-out lying to me like that?
Lily: We are not misunderstanding each other.
Reverend: How dare you pretend their beautiful story is actually your own?
Lily: Come again for Lil' Fudge?

Ted: Look at this, your wedding weekend.
Barney: I know, this close to finally having sex again. It's been forever.
Ted: Oh, you and Robin been abstaining?
Barney: Talking about you, Ted. Here's the deal. Every hookup at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday night drinks. Get stuck with the wrong girl tonight, the only action you'll get all weekend is a self-five. And I don't mean the cool kind. [laughs] Self-five. That's the cool kind.

Ted: Huh. It's a big decision.
Barney: The biggest. It brings to mind that religious text which we hold most sacred. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
[fantasy scene of Ted as Indiana Jones and Ted as a collaborator:]
Barney: Remember? They entered a chamber.
Ted: Really? I'm the one working with the Nazis?
Barney: Ted... Just... Just... Okay? They had to choose which cup was this special cup. I forget what it was called,
it was like the Holy Grail of cups.
Ted: It was the Holy Grail.
Barney: Of cups, exactly. So the Nazi confederate chose, and...
Ted: Don't make me do that, I'd rather...
Barney: Ted, Ted, the confederate Nazi chose and...
Ted: Okay. Okay. And now I'm gonna explode.
Knight Templar: He chose poorly.
Barney: Then Indy picked a cup, and...
Knight Templar: You chose wisely.
[Barney starts playing guitar and rocking out with girls in bikinis]
[reality:]
Barney: So choose wisely, Ted.

Barney: To help you decide, I spent all day yesterday picking your top three prospects.
Robin: And I helped. It was either that or writing our vows. Ugh. Gag.
Barney: Sophia was Robin's college roommate. And she's apparently "a bit of a screamer in the sack."
Robin: Yeah, mid-sex, she sounds exactly like a car alarm from the '90s. You know: [mimicking car alarm] Dudes love it.
Barney: Cassie is the daughter of my mom's best friend. Sad story, 12 years ago, her gymnast career was tragically cut short... when her boobs got too big. Grace is a new co-worker. She's had six different positions at the firm. And that was just at the Christmas party. So Grace doesn't arrive till later, I recommend Sophia. I strongly feel that you should strongly feel her. [high-fives Robin]

Robin: Okay, we really wanted him to marry us. His church has cute coming out the wazoo. But when we met with him...
[flashback:]
Reverend: No pets in my church. No casual attire in my church. No gum. No sports logos, particularly the Orlando Magic.
Barney: Reverend? More like never-end. Prayer five.
Reverend: No shouting. No cell phones. I'll warn you that I turn down most wedding requests. Particularly from boozy, promiscuous Manhattanites, who only want me to marry them because my church has "cute" coming out the wazoo.
Barney: People are like that?
Robin: That is the total opposite of us.

[flashback:]
Reverend: Well, then, how did you two meet?
Barney: Oh, um, um... We've been dating since college.
Robin: We met the very first week. I needed help hooking up my stereo, so I walked down the hall and I just knew that I should knock on this one door.
Barney: I opened the door and it was destiny.
Both: We've been together ever since.
[present:]
Lily: You stole our story of how we met?
Barney: We had to. Your story is so sweet. You didn't even kiss till the third date. By our third date, I'd hit more bases than Bob Hope on a USO tour.
Lily: Topical.

Daphne: Marshall, you're walking into the biggest fight of your life. You have to be prepared. You have to be tough.
Marshall: I am tough.
Daphne: No, you're not.
Marshall: You make good points.
Daphne: Now, what exactly are you gonna say to Lily when you walk through that door?
Marshall: Okay.
[fantasy:]
Marshall: Hey, baby. So, listen, I got this phone call...
[back:]
Daphne: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You haven't seen her in a week. Where's the, "I missed you"? How about a kiss? Nothing about her new hairstyle?
Marshall: Hairstyle? I can't actually see...
Daphne: Start over.

[fantasy:]
Marshall: Lily. Hi. I missed you and your hairstyle so much.
Daphne: [voicing Lily] I missed you too.
Marshall: Okay, so, I know that you're excited for Rome.
Daphne: I'm more excited for bed tonight.
Marshall: While I was away, uh, I got a phone call to be a judge.
Daphne: What the damn hell?
[reality:]
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lily does not say, "What the damn hell?"
Daphne: Well, I've never met her, but, yes, she does.
Marshall: Well, you make some good points.

Reverend: I understand the temptation. They're such a sweet couple. I mean, the way they call each other Barnmallow and Robinpad.
Lily: Yes, I do steal their stories. But only because my husband and I are so ashamed of how we met. [v.o.] See, we only met because his friend Ted fell in love with me. And who could blame him?
[fantasy:]
Ted: Hey, Marshall, see that girl?
Marshall: Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty. Go say hi.
Ted: Well, I can't go say hi. I need a plan. I'm gonna wait till she goes to the bathroom.
Marshall: Hi. Have you met Ted?
Ted: Hi.
Marshall: I'm sorry, I can't... [kisses Lily]
[reality:]
Lily: And now, after years of lying, cheating, and back-sliding, here we are, married. But what can I say? My husband's a sociopath who's slept with over a hundred women, and I'm a slut who once let my boss feel me up.
Barney: Oh, come on, it is over 250 women.
Robin: I felt him up!

Ted: Hey, guys. How's your night going?
Barney: Ugh. Our minister just died.
Robin: We can use the church, but we only have two days to find a new officiant.
Barney: Unless... Wedding at Bernie's."
Robin: We're not doing "Wedding at Bernie's."