Jill: Anyway, it's at 2:00 on Saturday, and a lot of people from work are gonna be there.
Tim: You mean a lot of people people or a lot of women people?
Jill: Women people, Tim. They're just like men people, only they have longer hair, and they're smarter.
Tim: Bunch of women at a baby shower, yakking about stretch marks, bloating, labor pains... I wanna discuss labor pains, I'll talk to a union man.

Professor Garver: Hey, does everybody know what time it is?
Tim: Uh... Ph.D. time.
Professor Garver: [laughs] It's great to see you again, Tim.
Tim: And you would be?
Professor Garver: Your old philosophy teacher - Professor Garver.
Tim: Ah, yes, philosophy. "I think, therefore I am." Descartes.
Professor Garver: Good for a guy who was never in class.
Tim: Well, I thought I was there, therefore I probably was.
Professor Garver: I passed you, therefore you're lucky.

Wilson: See, Romulus and Remus were very close until they decided to work together to build a city.
Tim: Yeah? What happened?
Wilson: Well, Romulus was the boss and he wanted things done his way. And Remus disagreed with him and that angered Romulus. So instead of working things out, you know what he did?
Tim: I'd fire him!
Wilson: No, he killed him.
Tim: Oh, boy! Oh, boy. Well, I guess when you're raised by a wolf, you lack certain social skills.
Wilson: No, Tim. The point is if Romulus hadn't been so rash, and tried to meet his brother halfway, they might've been able to patch things up.
Tim: Oh, I see. I should try to meet Marty halfway.
Wilson: There you go.

Tim: There's no better way to read a classic than in a classic car. Pop that thing in.
Male Narrator: [on tape] Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert. A brilliant psychological portrait which searingly depicts a woman's mind in search of transcendence...
Tim: Fast-forward it. Fast-forward it.
Male Narrator: [on tape] Innocent maidens with tears on their cheeks were kissing turtle doves through the bars of a Gothic cage...
Tim: Fast-forward! Fast-forward!
Male Narrator: [on tape] Little pieces of embroidery.
Tim: Oh, man, turn it over! Maybe there's something better on the other side.

Ilene: I can't believe we felt sorry for him.
Al: Me neither. He's just a freeloading... scalawag!
Tim: Scalawag?! Watch your language. There's children here.

Tim: Al's girlfriend Ilene had a dream about me, so I made a joke about it, and she got upset and broke up with Al. Jill thinks it's all my fault.
Wilson: Well, Tim, humor can be a wonderful thing. The Koran says, "He deserves paradise who makes his companions laugh."
Tim: Yeah... Those Koreans know what's funny.
Wilson: On the other hand, Tim, Cervantes, the 16th-century novelist, said... "A jest that gives pain is no jest." In this case, you might have caused a little bit of pain.
Tim: Well, I certainly didn't mean to. Jokes are what I'm all about. That's why people like me.
Wilson: Well, maybe sometimes you go too far.

Jill: OK. There was this one time when we were on vacation. Gorgeous night, full moon, we're walking along the beach. I looked in his eyes and I said, "I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love you". And he looked into my eyes and said, "Do you think they rent dune buggies here?"
Dr. Emory: How did you feel at that moment?
Jill: Alone. All alone.
Dr. Emory: Would you like to respond to that, Tim?
Tim: Oh, yeah. But if I did I'm afraid I'd be driving home alone. All alone!