Kirk: Sure you don't want to reconsider my offer? I've got a hairnet on me, so I can start immediately.
Luke: Offer declined.

Kirk: Mask!
Lorelai: What?
Kirk: Mask. I've done it, Lorelai. I finally landed my first listing.
Lorelai: Where are my parents?
Kirk: This is the beginning of my rise to the top of the real-estate industry.
Lorelai: Where are my parents?
Kirk: Do you happen to be in the market for a house? 'Cause this baby's a honey.
Lorelai: Something in the corner just moved.
Kirk: Just a rat. I'd have told you about them before you bought the place. The law also requires me to inform you that the house has toxic mold, asbestos, methane gas, buckling floors, a crumbling foundation, visible fungus, a collapsed fireplace, ceiling damage, water damage, and it was the recent site of a Wicca convention and a particularly grisly murder/suicide. Nothing we can't work with.

Lorelai: I'm not in the market, Kirk. Now, listen, I know my parents are shopping for houses. Lane saw you with them. And I need to know where they are right now.
Kirk: I'm sorry. That's confidential information. In fact, the fact that I was with them was confidential. So I'm gonna have to ask you to pretend that I haven't already confirmed that I was with them, which I wasn't.
Lorelai: [gasps] God, what was that?
Kirk: Bat. Don't worry. When you spray for cockroaches, the bats die, too, usually. At the very least, it knocks the wind out of them so they wind up wobbling on the floor, so you can just whack them with a hammer. Nothing we can't work with.
Lorelai: Kirk, I am your friend, but they are my parents, and I need to find them right now. It's important.
Kirk: Well, I shouldn't tell you this, but I know they were looking at two properties on Maple Drive. They're probably around there right now. Too bad I couldn't get them interested in this property. It has great bones. Literally. There's an Indian burial ground underneath it.
Lorelai: Thanks. See ya.
Kirk: Don't run. It scares the bat.

Lorelai: [on the phone] Okay, so weird dream. Weird, weird dream.
Rory: Weirder than the one where you step into a boxing ring and your hands are suddenly giant cream puffs?
Lorelai: Weirder, scarier.
Rory: Let's hear it.
Lorelai: Well, I was home, and I was finishing up my usual morning routine. You know, coffee, shower. And then - picture this, very weird - I take Paul Anka for a walk.
Rory: You walk Paul Anka every day. What's weird about that?
Lorelai: Not the dog Paul Anka. The real Paul Anka.
Rory: Whoa.
Lorelai: Yeah.
Rory: Was he nice?
Lorelai: Very pleasant, natty dresser. Then suddenly, he sees something, a cat or something, and darts right into the middle of the street.
Rory: The real Paul Anka?
Lorelai: The dog Paul Anka. So I call him and call him, but he completely ignores me and runs right into Doose's market.
Rory: You know, you didn't train him well enough. Too much affection, not enough discipline.
Lorelai: So I go after him into Doose's, and apparently, he's got a job there.
Rory: The dog Paul Anka?
Lorelai: The real Paul Anka.
Paul Anka: You picked yourself some beautiful cucumbers, Mrs. Clancey. You have the cucumber eye.

Lorelai: [on the phone] So I run out of Doose's, and I'm approaching Luke's apartment - I guess to get help or something - and I'm walking to the door, and I open it, and there's Paul Anka, in front of a microphone, giving a little concert.
Rory: The real Paul Anka.
Lorelai: The dog Paul Anka.
Rory: Couldn't have been happy, you interrupting his show like that.
Lorelai: He didn't notice. So I go down to the diner, and there, lo and behold, is Paul Anka sitting on Babette's lap.
Rory: Please don't tell me it was-
Lorelai: The real Paul Anka.
Babette: Good boy. Who's a good boy?
Rory: This is crazy.
Lorelai: Coming to the end. So the real Paul Anka looks outside, and there, sitting in the middle of the street staring at him is dog Paul Anka.
Rory: Uh-oh.
Lorelai: So real Paul Anka gets up and runs out of Luke's. They're both in the street. Now, real Paul Anka walking toward dog Paul Anka, dog Paul Anka toward real Paul Anka. You can sense that something very bad is about to happen, when suddenly they meet in the middle of the street, and bam! An otherworldly white light engulfs the whole town, and there's a loud explosion and two barks, and everything goes dark.
Rory: And?
Lorelai: And then I woke up.

Kirk: I could run the place if you want, Luke.
Luke: Hmm, let me search down to the very depth of my being to see if there's the slightest inclination I would want that. Nope.
Kirk: Just checking.

Rory: I meant with the big jar of disgusting insects.
Paris: Oh. They're fruit flies. I'm finishing an important paper on population genetics, and I have to monitor how often drosophila melanogaster do the nasty.
Rory: Gross.
Paris: Complain to God, not me.
Rory: Well, did you have to bring them into the newsroom?
Paris: I can't just leave them home. They could escape and infest my apartment.
Rory: Meaning they could escape and infest the newsroom.
Paris: At least no one sleeps in the newsroom, and if they bring food and flies get in the food, maybe that's how they'll learn to follow the "No food in the newsroom" rule.
Rory: We don't have that rule.
Paris: We should.

Lane: Don't dig. Slice, kill, maim, destroy.
Lorelai: What?
Lane: Sic a mad pack of wolves on it. Douse it with lighter fluid and turn it into ash. I cannot wear that dress.
Lorelai: Yeah, I know. It's a little old-world.
Lane: Have you looked at it?
Lorelai: Parts of it.
Lane: Exactly. You can't take it in at once. The human eyeball is not capable.
Lorelai: Oh, it's not that bad.
Lane: It's got pants.
Lorelai: [gasps] No!
Lane: You didn't look at it very carefully.
Lorelai: Well, I will remove the pants.
Lane: Oh, it's every girl's dream to hear the woman altering her wedding dress say, "I'll remove the pants."
Lorelai: I'm sure once I alter it a little--
Lane: No, don't alter it. Have an accident. Leave a warm iron on it. Spill a vat of acid on it. Run your car over it.

Lorelai: You know, I'd say let's drive, but our streets... forget about it.
Emily: What about the streets?
Lorelai: Oh, they're clogged night and day. Yep, total gridlock. It's not gonna help when they build that big box store.
Emily: They're building a box store?
Lorelai: Oh, yeah, right in the center of town.
Richard: Those things are hideous.
Lorelai: Yeah, it's gonna wipe out all our local businesses. This place will be a ghost town. Ooh, hold your breath. Oh, God, sorry. Sewer problems.
Richard: Your public-works department needs to be notified.
Lorelai: No, they're on strike. Well, they're always on strike. [coughs] Excuse me.
Emily: Allergies?
Lorelai: Meth lab. [coughs]

Lorelai: Ooh, that garbage smell.
Emily: What garbage smell?
Richard: I don't smell garbage.
Lorelai: Yeah, the wind shifted right after I said it. Allowing a landfill within a mile of city limits, crazy.
Richard: It's within a mile?
Lorelai: Yeah, destroying everyone's land values. Oh, well. Where did you park?
Richard: Over on Peach Street.
Lorelai: Oh, you mean Carjack Lane?
Emily: Carjack Lane?
Lorelai: Yeah, better than Chop Shop Alley. Here, follow me. Oh, God, watch out for the pothole. Ooh, I tell you.
The roads are just the things in between potholes in this town, huh?
Emily: Oh, dear.
Richard: You should talk to your mayor about all these issues, Lorelai.
Lorelai: You mean Gropey McGee? I cannot, will not ever put myself in that position again. Mind if we stop by the store?